No, it’s not her bipolar disease or Daddy issues or being addicted to drugs and bad choices in men or rehab escapes. Nope, it’s ’cause
all of a sudden Teen Mom 2‘s Jenelle Evans is insecure about her membership to the Itty Bitty Titty Committee and wants some sweet plastic surgery plus twos. Yup, that’s her story now. I mean, all this Teen Mom 2 money has got to be put to good use since Jenelle isn’t smoking weed or visiting Jace or going to school as much, right? Bigger watermelons always = therapeutic resolution (said no one ever). It all makes so much sense now! Jenelle’s lifelong issues, all derived from her boob size, are totally the reason for her tailspin into kersplatsville. But now she’s finally got the duckets to get herself back on track. Her constant repetition of the story that she made up five minutes ago is convincing, right? Right Babs? Right Kieffer Delp? (who Jenelle is now dating or something) Eh, Jenelle doesn’t care. She’ll risk going to jail for a Ke$ha concert. Fun Bag enhancement is amateur, ya’ll.
In other Jenelle Evans on Teen Mom 2 news, Kieffer Delp wins the “How many times can I make MTV bleep out a slang word for breasts, when we’re having a conversation about breasts” Award. He’s the breastest. Out of jail and already back canoodling with Jenelle. And now she’s all on the bigger boobs bandwagon a la Farrah Abraham and Maci Bookout. And he’s all, man nah baby, you don’t need all that…can’t we just smoke weed all day and also I’m starting my own (insert air quotes here) tobacco pipe carving business? I cant even. Unlike most of the other segments on the show, the producers can’t even write this stuff. But, it’s not like Jenelle has anything to hide. Hel-LO!! She’s an open book of I don’t give an effs, bongs in my room, breaking up with dudes over middle-school principles, and unlocked twitter accounts. Of COURSE Kieffer is going to use this time to ummm market his new business venture. Oh yah, and Jenelle’s hot bod is Kieffer’s best friend. So, I guess, don’t change a thing girl.
Off to get a second opinion from Boston Barb aka Mom aka Jace’s real Mom. Awww man, two against one as Babs totally agrees with Kieffer and rationality on Jenelle’s “hey Mom, what’s up, going to get a boob job” sorta question. It’s not like she came to ask for advice anyway. Jenelle’s gonna do what she wants, obvi. But, curses! Jenelle won’t be able to see or watch or take care of Jace for 6 weeks after the surgery. I guess she’d better rethink…nah…pretty much everything will stay the same. But with C cups.
What’s Kailyn Lowry up to this week? Why, she’s headed to court again to stick it to Jo Rivera. I mean, to get more custody time with Isaac. Naturally. I can admire Kailyn for using her Teen Mom 2 cash for lawyers fees and not boob jobs. But seriously, it’s getting old. They’re all exhausted of going to court. And now Jo is moving to Jersey and we’re unclear why. Even though he’s not moving in with Vee (whew Kail, whew), they live like two blocks away. Ooooooook, got it. And though Kailyn wanted to get all buck with Jo for moving, she probably remembered the whole I’m-moving-to-Austin-you-can’t-do-anything-about-it incident of a couple of episodes ago. So, at least there’s that. But, that doesn’t mean Kailyn doesn’t think that Jo is gonna eff this up somehow. And he kinda does by missing one of his weekends with Isaac and then posting on twitter about being out with his boys…and Vee.
Well, you know what that means. Off to court again to make sure you get your ish straight, Jo. And that Vee doesn’t come close to baby Isaac, that’s for suresies. When nothing is resolved in court, it’s back to the drawing board of twitter and facebook-checking to make sure that Jo isn’t doing anything he’s not supposed to be doing. Including Vee. And as Kailyn comes back home to chat with Javi, clad in her hipster frames, we see that Vee is actually acting a fool, off twitter and on twitter. FTW, smoke weed, drink, who cares?! Ummm, well, Kailyn definitely cares so here comes more heartburn for Jo Jo. The thing about this episode is that MTV finally edits Kailyn’s segment to prove that she’s not just a crazy biatch. We always suspected that all she wanted was just to spend more time with Isaac and to get Jo in line with his fatherly duties. But now we see the flipside and that she has to deal with idiots who are way more immature than she is…and she still has feelings for one of them so that never helps. At least Javi is there for Kailyn, so I hope she can get her legal fiascos and feeling for Jo in hand.
Oooooooooooh Chelsea Houska. How’s your hair doin’ now that you’re not stressin’ about being preggers? Looks alright. And you’re rockin in hair school while Aubree’s rockin in daycare? Me so proud. So, why in the world are you a glutton for punishment by going to Mom’s house to tell her about your pregnancy scare? Worst. How hard is it not to say I told you so when someone is blatantly instigating it, like, every day? I applaud parents…they truly have to deal with some crazy unconditional love stuff.
But at least Chelsea is doing the right thing and actually going to her gyno appointment for birth control. What’s more awkward than a gyno appointment? Cameras in the gyno appointment. Ugh. Anyway, seems like all’s right in the world until Chelsea gets an email saying she has to move house again. Maaaaan what?! What is she going to do??? Well, of course, first she’s going to call her Dad and whine and be a total brat even when he offers to find her a house, pay for the house, and then help her move into the house, no doubt. Chelsea has a total meltdown and throws a pity party probably on the way to the nail salon. Girlfriend, get a grip. You have no bills and you are 21 years old with a child. That happens…never. Maybe step back for a second and chill out.
And finally, the saga that is Leah Messer and her “All I want is a family” love triangle. Jeremy Calvert done moved out…but makes a pit stop at Corey Simms’ house to have a little talk. Say what? Not like, “bro, meet me outside for a little talk”. No, this is like, “welcome to my home, can I get you anything? Let’s talk about your ex-wife and my ex-girlfriend (same person)” talk. This may sound weird to you, but it’s probably just a Wednesday night in West Virginia. Both guys agree that they hate this Robbie dude and that they want the best for Leah. In the immortal words of Heath Ledger – “What is it with this chick? She have beer-flavored nipples?” Though, clearly, Corey gives up immediately and gives the win to Jeremy. So, you’re telling me all that Leah/Corey chatting and interaction was a farse? Oh boy, wait until Leah hears about this one.
Leah gives Corey a holler to see what up. Oh, wait, you don’t want to go to counseling now? What a shocker. Also, you pretty much handed me back to Jeremy, put up no fight, are bringing up the past and made me look like a jackass? So, I’m just gonna call it quits for yah there buddy and work on my grovelling back to Jeremy plan. Thanks for nuthin…again. I guess we’ll be seeing how Leah wins back Jeremy…though, I don’t think she’ll have to try very hard. This Corey speedbump on the road to a life of happy family has been brought to you by just move on, already.