Last night’s episode of Kourtney and Kim Take Miami began with Kim Kardashian getting a “blood facial” at… well, some sort of weird doctor’s office that gives blood facials. They take a sample of your blood and then spin it to remove the plasma and then shoot that into your face in a series of tiny injections that make it appear that your whole face is bleeding. And that was all before the title sequence!
This episode was actually not at all about blood facials (woohoo!) but instead was about Kim becoming an apprentice to a private investigator (what?!), Kourtney Kardashian‘s weight, and Scott Disick getting something in his eye. I know it’s a bit broken record-y to say that the plots on this show are always so random, but they really just keep getting randomer. I mean, Kim as a private investigator? Come on!
Early in the episode, Kim and Kourtney are invited to the Miami city manager’s office so he can tell them they will be given an honorary key to the city. That’s nice, Kim basically says, but can I go on a ride-along with the cops? The city manager is like, Yeah girlfriend! Kim literally says, “If I wasn’t doing what I’m doing now I’d totally be a crime scene investigator.” I’ll let you form your own opinions about that quote.
A couple scenes later, Kim is driving in her car with her friends Jonathan and Larsa and they see a cop car and start following it ’cause Kim loves crime! Then they see what appears to be two girls climbing over a fence and are like omg! we found criminals! So they take a picture of them and then pull up next to the cop car and report the girls as people “breaking and entering.” The fact that the girls said, “Hey! They took a picture of us!” and then KEPT CLIMBING makes me think that they were just teenagers messing around and hopefully they didn’t end up in jail due to Kim Kardashian’s very, very questionable investigative skills.
Kim ends up going on a ride along with two policewomen and the call she goes on is for a shooting. I was like, are they seriously letting Kim Kardashian and a film crew on to the scene of a shooting?!?! Nooooo!!!! What is this world I am living in?!? But it ended up not being a shooting and instead was just someone tripping really bad on drugs. My faith was restored in the world. Whew!
Meanwhile, Scott, Kourtney, and Mason go the beach and Scott says some insensitive things about Kourtney’s weight and how she keeps wearing caftans on the beach. Then he immediately gets sand in his eye. Karma! The caftans are fabulous, so there! So they all leave the beach and Mason says, “Bye beach! Thank you!” He thanked the beach! That is too cute! Mason needs more screen time. (Except he probably needs less because he’s like two and it’s kinda weird for a two-year-old to be on a reality show, but I digress.)
The next day, the sand still isn’t out of Scott’s eye so he goes to the eye doctor. This part is very hard for me to watch because I hate anything to do with eyes, so if you’re reading this, I sacrificed for you and you’re welcome. Scott scratched his cornea or something and has to wear a patch over his eye for a few days. This does a number on his confidence so Kourtney buys him fancy eye patches embroidered with LD for Lord Disick because she an enabler of his continual usage of that stupid nickname.
Kim still hasn’t gotten enough crime, so her friend Larsa suggests she contact a private investigator named Jake and start working with him. Jake agrees to work with Kim because everyone agrees to the craziest shit on this show and she accompanies him to the home of a man who’s daughter has been kidnapped. If I was this guy and his family I’d be like, “Why the hell is Kim Kardashian in my house right now investigating my daughter’s kidnapping?!” (PS. I feel like I have to keep using her first and last name to emphasize how insane Kim Kardashian in your home as an investigator’s apprentice would be.) Okay, I’m sure they told him ahead of time. It’s just a really weird thing to agree to for such a serious situation. After the meeting, Jake assigns Kim to investigate the case on social media. She’s a regular Nev Schulman and finds pictures of the kidnapped girl’s boyfriend!
On the other side of things, the eye patches bring back Scott’s old confidence. With that problem solved, he starts giving Kourtney crap about not losing weight fast enough after the baby. Earlier on, Kourtney weighs herself and is 115 pounds. Scott responds, “I feel like 93 is the dream.” I mean… she’s short, but she isn’t nine years old. Kourtney gets reasonably upset that Scott is being a douchelord and he ends up apologizing right away. He thought they “teased” each other that way and he was just trying to help her which is not an excuse AT ALL for telling a lady that recently gave birth that she needs to lose weight.
Back on CSI: Miami, Kim finds out that Jake found the boyfriend of the kidnapped girl and he is possibly running a prostitution ring, but they can’t do anything about it and have to turn the case over to the police. Kim and Jake call the girl’s father to let him know and it’s really sad and again I can’t help but think of how surreal (and inappropriate?) it must be to hear this news from Kim Kardashian. This was weirdly heavy material for this show and it really left me with an uncomfortable feeling. Personally, I wouldn’t want a reality show involved with my child’s kidnapping in any way.
The show’s other source of drama this week ended on a more positive note at least. Kourtney and Kim attend a workout class together so Kourtney can work out in a fun way. The class focused on working the butt. Can you imagine being in a butt workout class with Kim Kardashian? She of the large ba-dunk-a-dunk?! La reina de bootay?! It’d be soooo weird. Almost as weird as having her investigate your child’s kidnapping. Almost.
(Photo: Daily Mirror)