I don’t usually ask much from Justin Timberlake, ever since he forgot to call me on all twenty five of my birthdays, but enough is enough. Justin Bieber is in the early to mid-stages of a pretty impressive downward spiral, and somebody needs to step in. So you know who I nominate? Someone with the same name who was also famous from a young age who made a pretty much seamless transition from boyband to manboy to man’s man. Think about it: J-Tims used to be just another boy-bander from NSYNC with a white boy afro and a sick falsetto, and now he’s an independent artist in his own right, married to Jessica Biel, starring in movies, and joining the SNL five timers club. It’s good to be Timberlake. But know who it’s not good to be right now? Bieber. We documented his rise and fall pretty extensively a week and a half ago, but he’s already outdated that article and one-upped himself with all sorts of crazy new adventures like launching his tiny body at paparazzi, railing at the media via Twitter, and showing up two hours late to his own concert. In short, he’s crashing and burning pretty hard on the front lines of his adolescence.
Enter the Timberlake, please! Please swoop in and handle this! Whatever tips and tricks you used to navigate your own ultra-famous adolescence, please whisper them in the androgynous ear of young Bieber. Make it clear to him that he doesn’t have the body he thinks he does — you guys were both similarly scrawny as young men, the only difference is that Timberlake knew to steer toward baggy clothes to disguise it, and Bieber’s been falling deeper and deeper into love with harem pants and onesies. So yeah, maybe try to convince him to stop flashing his abs in public, or barring that, to at least keep the selfies off Instagram. If you really must date someone famous, make sure the relationship ends in such a way that you get the sympathy vote ala Britney Spears cheating on you (‘Cry Me A River’, anyone?) versus…you cheating on Selena Gomez. Just an idea. Also get really good at something, like dancing or wearing rakish suits. Swag and falsetto don’t count. Don’t dangle yourself from cables like a pretty little angel. That’s…weird imagery and all it emphasizes for me is how skinny your legs are. And get more likable! You can’t keep yelling at the media! It might You already missed out on the whole ‘Southern gentleman’ thing by being from Canada instead of the endlessly charming Tennessee, but you can still make up for lost time somehow. Maybe go underground a little until you look less like a kid and more like a man? Isn’t that what Justin did after his boy band days but before he really got deep into his solo career? I don’t know! These are all just ideas! I have no power here. It’s time for Justin Timberlake to step up to the plate and take control of this situation!
So where are you, Timberlake? Lurking in the wings with Jay-Z and Andy Samberg, giving yourself a pat on the back for a transition well-mastered? Well that’s great, but no more resting on your laurels! You should be watching the sky non-stop, keeping an eye out for the fedora sign that we shine up there when we have need of your abilities. Justin Bieber’s had the light on for a while now, in my distinguished opinion, and the window of opportunity to take him under your wing is getting smaller by the day.
(Image: Steve Searle / Daniel Deme / WENN.com)