• Fri, Mar 8 2013

So Um, Selena Gomez’s Dad Used Her As Cute-Bait To Pick Up Chicks At Hooters

Selena Gomez at Alliance For Children's Rights' 21st Annual Dinner March 2013You know how some single guys get a puppy and walk around with it at the park and wait for the girls to flock over and ooh and aah at it? Well imagine how much more successful that scenario would be at getting you dates if your puppy was Selena Gomez. Someone who figured that out pretty early on was Selena’s dad, who used her as an informal chick magnet after his divorce from her mother when Selena was five.

“When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch [San Antonio] Spurs games. But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!’ So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over. And that would be our thing.”

Yeah, that’s adorable. Me and my dad had a thing too, when I was seven, but it doesn’t sound nearly as fun as Selena’s with her dad. My dad used to take me on all these adventures all over the city, but there were a lot of missed opportunities for him to ditch me, so that was pretty disappointing. We’d go to the zoo, and I’d intentionally wear my cutest pair of overalls so he could use me as cute-bait to lure over all the big-breasted zebras and the slutty ostriches, but he would never even do it. Or sometimes we’d go to a museum and I’d want him to teach me about math by spending 50% of his time with me and 50% chatting up the models of neo-Neanderthals, but he just wouldn’t. Oh, the times we could’ve had! I don’t mean to complain, because I’ve had a pretty good life, but there’s nothing more rewarding as a young girl than spending a full day with your bachelor dad and getting half his attention. It makes you want to grow up to be an astrophysicist or a Nobel Prize winner or the girlfriend of a fully-grown man-boy in a skin-tight onesie. Bring on the tits and wings.

(Image: Apega / WENN.com)

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  • Jon

    she’s even more awesome than ever. anyone who wouldn’t take advantage of selena gomez in pigtails is a liar.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Me, me! I wouldn’t!

  • Cara

    That’s so ridiculous, puppies understandable but children?!:L

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I know. Whomp whomp.