Yesterday Miley Cyrus made us feel sad but slightly optimistic about the Liam Hemsworth-January Jones cheating rumors that convinced us love was dead. Miley insisted, through Twitter, that she hadn’t called off her wedding and needed a break from social media. Then later in the day she made us worry again when she was spotted out and about without her engagement ring. And now the roller coaster of emotions has taken us careening down a 90 degree slope to the bottom thanks to January Jones.
January Jones was asked about the scandal by TMZ yesterday at LAX. Video shows January remaining emotionless and refusing to respond as the cameraman asks her repeatedly if the rumors about her and Liam are true. So what does it all mean?
The first possible theory is that, whether it happened or not, January doesn’t want to risk looking like a liar liar pants on fire by giving an overly defensive response. Obviously she wouldn’t want to inspire any headlines like “The Homewrecker Doth Protest Too Much.”
But on the other hand, if it really didn’t happen, wouldn’t a simple, “Nothing happened” or “It’s not true” suffice? Certainly the entertainment news shows would immediately be contacting their on-call body language experts to figure out if it was true, but wouldn’t you want to clear your name if false rumors like that had been spread about you? If I were a celebrity, I would put together a careful scrapbook of alibis, and when someone asked me, “Is it true that you came at George Clooney with a razor at the Oscars and tried to shave off his beard?” I could be like, “Page 487. I was at a doughnut shop that whole night, so it couldn’t have been me.” Of course, then I would probably have no time to have a career so I probably wouldn’t be a celebrity for that long in the first place.
I guess another explanation is that January thrives on keeping us guessing, just like she won’t reveal who the father of her baby is, and she won’t even go the Adele route by tattooing a letter on her neck or wearing a necklace that says Jason Sudeikis in gold letters. January, why do you torture us so?
But the final and most likely explanation is that January Jones really is a robot. I’ve suspected it for a long time. The first clue was the Blade Runner hairdos she’s rocked recently on the red carpet. And then there’s the fact that every time she smiles it looks like someone is forcibly lifting the corners of her mouth. Plus there’s her general blahness. Sometimes when I see her I check for an access panel on the back of her neck.
So we might still be confused on the Liam Hemsworth front but on the plus side we’re making progress with the robot theory.