Did you somehow miss seeing Breaking Dawn – Part 2 in theaters last fall? Did you also miss seeing Twilight, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn – Part I? Do the names Bella Swan and Edward Vampire mean nothing to you? Don’t be embarrassed!
Well, be a little embarrassed Because c’mon, these are the movies that defined our generation. They’re the movies our kids are going to watch and be like “wow, was there a writer’s strike when these movies came out or like did all the actors turn into zombies, but still get forced to act because of a union policy or something, because these are like, really bad. In every single way that a movie can be bad. Also imprinting is not okay. Sorry Mom, sorry Dad, but just because a guy’s a werewolf does not mean he can fall in love with a baby. Also that baby!? I know you guys couldn’t teleport back then, but you’re really telling me there wasn’t enough technology to make that baby look real???”
Luckily for you it’s not too late to catch up on the entire franchise. Right now and right here. All you have to do is watch this honest trailer for Breaking Dawn and you’ll know exactly what happened. Scarily enough, you can catch up on all four movies in four minutes and seven seconds. But that’s only because the majority of the screen time for the movie just involves people staring at each other. I’m sorry, not people. Vampires staring at werewolves starring at people. I truly think there’s probably only four minutes of plot in the entire franchise. Those extra seven seconds might be too much now that I think about it.
But seriously, after you watch this, you’ll be able to approach any 14-year-old in the mall and be like, “yo tweenager, how crazy was it that Kristen Stewart tried to act!?!?” And she’ll be all like, “if you don’t pay for me to get my belly button pierced at the piercing pagoda, I’ll tell my mom you’re talking to me.”