Naomi Campbell Cries On The Face, Proves She’s Not A Fembot

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Yup, it’s true ladies and fashion-conscious gentlemen. I saw it with my very own judgey pants eyes on this week’s episode of The Face. Everyone. Just. Calm. Down. Queen Naomi Campbell sheds a tear. That’s right, a single solitary tear to prove that she’s human-like…and also still my favorite. Favorite what? Just favorite. Ever. Of anything. But don’t let her fool you. Uh uh. Remember last episode? Naomi still struts her stuff and walks the walk and talks the talk on the fourth episode of The Face. It’s shaping up to be Team Naomi all the way. I can’t wait to see the other bitches catwalk and claw their way to try and topple the almighty (leading for two weeks in a row) model team.

A Nigel Barker-sparse episode of The Face (and anything) makes me sad panda. But that’s alright, ’cause he pops up on the weekly Test Shoot competition to explain the rules and all is right in the world again. This week’s Test Shoot is all about moving it or losing it. No, the producers/writers couldn’t come up with anything better, but thanks for asking. With only 8 model hopefuls left, it’s getting down to the bare bones, skinny,< insert any other underweight model pun in here>. The girls will have to learn some choreographed dance moves and undoubtedly have like 10 minutes to practice and then it’s off to the front of the camera to be photographed doing said moves.

The dance moves are all circa 1984, quasi-Madonna, sorta popping and locking on the street corner. Just awful. I mean, at least try and do some ballet moves. Coco Rocha is all over that and would have catapulted one of her girls to the winners circle (side note: we’re shown that Coco is an Irish dancer and Riverdances her way down the runway sometimes. Super. Awesome). But alas, after several girls try and fail at the dance routine, or taking a decent picture while performing their sweet moves, we’ve got a winner. The winner of the fabulous home gym is Ebony Olivia Smith. Which is great for her since she found her way at the bottom last episode…and damn near close to being eliminated. You go, Ebs.

Next up, the Campaign. Featuring Marshalls again, the girls must dress in their Spring dress best and do a lookbook shoot for the Marshalls Fashion HBIC. As a Marshalls shopper myself, I was super surprised at the state of the wardrobe choices. I guess that’s why you have to spend a lot of time digging around for a good find. Devyn expressed her disdain on national TV and I can’t say I blame her. Wait, yes I can. Girl, you are in a competition for modeling. No one cares what you think, especially not the designer or the purchaser. You will be paid to wear clothes, if you are successful. Your attitude is sucky. If you were on Team Naomi, you would have had bamboo shoots under your fingernails by now. So zip it. And be happy that your attitude hasn’t gotten you booted thus far. That is all. But seriously, the dresses were no bueno.

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Doing the best with what they got, all the teams shot group shots and individual photos. They did cutesy Spring things like riding a bicycle and carrying a jump rope, but it was all pretty catalog-esque. Which is the point, but just sayin’. Judged on their overall appearance, creativity for Spring and movement/expression, each girl walked the gambit and was judged. the model coaching really shone through here…or faltered. Coco Rocha and Karolina Kurkova aren’t leading very well and often have cooky and off-the-wall ideas that rarely turn out well. My girl Naomi though. Child please. There is no room for second place. She drill sergeants her girls and shits all over their ideas and choices when she knows “they can do better”. It’s true. They can – and she’s gonna push them like my Dad pushed me to learn Algebra. Some people need tough love to make it through modeling competitions.

After the Campaign and while the Marshalls lady mulls over the goodies and the baddies…a winner is declared…Team Naomi. This, of course, sends not-so-subtle Sandra Woodley into her usual zero humility ranting and raving and celebrating. This is after Naomi leaks tears, by the way. Just a reminder. Sandra’s antics are too much for those who can hear who through the not really there, we’re on a reality TV show, walls. They are all, “calm the F down”, while Jocelyn Chew is sitting and minding her own business when Sandra attacks her for…sitting there and minding her own business. Can’t a girl even write in her journal without having to fight with Sandra? Sheesh.

Mama Hen Naomi comes in and has a mentoring session with the two girls. Why can’t you both just get along?? Ummm maybe cause we’re having communication problems being in the same room, competing with each other and having nothing in common. Yup, that’s it. But don’t mistake mentoring for threats. Naomi will not be having any of that on her team. Her winning team. Naomi will cut you herself…err…from the competition. Got no time for bickering. Modeling competition. Get it straight. Good, glad we got that sorted out. Onto the losers.

Naomi is the judge again…which means she’ll definitely be playing strategy. Yesssss. To the chopping block comes Madeleine Armstrong and…wait for it…waiiiiiit duh duh duuuuuuuh…Stephanie Lalanne. This girl has survived execution twice already and here she is, again, to face Judge Naomi. Brutal. But Naomi is no fool…if it weren’t for her I’d ask who Stephanie was sleeping with in order to keep staying on the show. Her newbie card is up and she’s failing at every photo shoot. But Naomi knows that keeping her around ups her chances to win every week. Therefore…bye bye Aussie Madeleine. Stephanie lives another day to be coached by Coco Rocha. I hope they can pull something out of their fedora hats. It’s shameful (while pleasing) to keep watching Team Naomi crush the competition…albeit fall apart from within.

Bring on the claws ladies. If I can’t see Nigel Barker or couture, at least let there be name-calling and lamp-throwing in the loft. Just kidding. Not really.

You can reach this post's author, Carling Uhler, on twitter.
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    • Manu

      I wasn’t surprised Stephanie was
      saved for another week in the competition; Naomi is definitely playing
      strategically by keeping her in the competition. I was working late at DISH
      when this episode of The Face first aired. I’m glad I had my DISH Hopper along
      with its 2,000 hours of storage space ready to record it for me. There is so
      much room available I’m able to record the full season along with the full seasons
      of my other favorite shows; with all the available space I’ll never have to
      worry about deleting them.