• Wed, Mar 6 2013

Kate Middleton Is Having A Baby Girl, Which Is Gross For Obvious Reasons

Kate Middleton pregnant daughter

In news that literally makes me sick, Kate Middleton, Duchess of Doom, is having a daughter. I know. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened in the history of things happening. With the possible exception of Papouli dying on Full House the night before Michelle’s big show and tell at school.  Like I’m sitting here simultaneously holding my own hair back, smh very hard and praying that Us Weekly got this news wrong. Apparently Kate Middleton spent yesterday traveling around the country, stealing toys for her d-word.

During the engagement, the expectant Duchess of Cambridge, 31, was given a white teddy bear by a local, Diane Burton. “Thank you, I’ll take that for my d–” Prince William‘s wife replied, tellingly cutting herself off mid-sentence. When a well-wisher asked the royal if she was about to say “daughter,” Middleton smiled and replied coyly, “We’re not telling.”

Like ugh, a daughter! What are we supposed to do with a daughter? And why did I spend my entire winter knitting an entire line of navy oneseis with the line “real princes wear blue” embroidered on the front. Girls are such a hassle in this day and age. First of all, they can’t do math. And second of all, periods.

Not to mention princesses are going to be so in again now. So I guess Disney must be head over heels over glass slippers right now. They’re probably going to create an entire franchise based around this baby. Am I jealous? No. But yes. Am I going to live vicariously through this child. No. But yes. Am I crossing my fingers that “d–” stood for dog and Kate Middleton bit her tongue when she realized it’s rude to give a child’s gift to a dog? Obviously.

(Photo: Andrew Parsons/i-Images, PacificCoastNews.com)

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  • Alexis Rhiannon

    I think she’s actually the Duchess of Doombridge. Also get a real job.