Back in January, Jessica explained that she keeps having to delay her wedding to Eric Johnson because he keeps getting her pregnant, saying, “I’ll just keep my legs crossed” to prevent another pregnancy from happening. Because that’s obviously the only form of birth control available to 21st century couples.
Now she’s telling Ellen DeGeneres, who introduces her as the “always pregnant” Jessica Simpson (If Ellen says it, we all have permission to say it) that the pregnancy happened because “I don’t know, apparently protection was just thrown out the window!”
I need some clarification, Jessica. Do you literally mean that you defenestrated whatever form of birth control you were planning to use? If so, hopefully it hit a passerby and was put to good use. What’s with the passive voice? Was it you who threw it out the window or did some sneaky leprechaun show up and do it? Why do you use the word “apparently”? Did you find the protection on your front lawn the next morning when you got the paper and go, “Oh, that’s what happened. I threw it out the window”? I need answers, Jessica, because every time you do an interview I want to donate money to a campaign to put sex ed in schools. And possibly to found a sex ed school for confused adults.
Jessica adds, “We were definitely extremely shocked.” Well, duh. If I found out that my birth control had been tossed out the window without my knowledge, I’d be shocked too.
I might know what this is all about, though. If you believe my theory about Jessica Simpson never having stopped being pregnant in the first place (and why wouldn’t you?), then it makes sense that she would skirt around the issue with such distancing phrasing.
Even Ellen seems a little confused about Jessica’s apparent lack of reproductive knowledge. Sometimes during interviews, when celebrities say particularly nonsensical things, she gets this expression on her face that I can only describe as “Elluncomfortable.” And she showed a lot of that face during this interview.
Ellen gives Jessica a onesie as a gift, but I think a better gift would be a book explaining the birds and the bees. Or just some birth control. She can just skip the middleman and get straight to the root of the problem.
I look forward to Jessica’s new pregnancy announcement in a few months. Congrats in advance, Jessica!