Jessica Simpson Still Seems To Be Confused About How Pregnancy Works

Jessica SimpsonJessica Simpson went on Ellen to talk about her latest pregnancy, and she continues to display her lack of understanding of how pregnancy — or, more specifically, the prevention of pregnancy — works.

Back in January, Jessica explained that she keeps having to delay her wedding to Eric Johnson because he keeps getting her pregnant, saying, “I’ll just keep my legs crossed” to prevent another pregnancy from happening. Because that’s obviously the only form of birth control available to 21st century couples.

Now she’s telling Ellen DeGeneres, who introduces her as the “always pregnant” Jessica Simpson (If Ellen says it, we all have permission to say it) that the pregnancy happened because “I don’t know, apparently protection was just thrown out the window!”

I need some clarification, Jessica. Do you literally mean that you defenestrated whatever form of birth control you were planning to use? If so, hopefully it hit a passerby and was put to good use. What’s with the passive voice? Was it you who threw it out the window or did some sneaky leprechaun show up and do it? Why do you use the word “apparently”? Did you find the protection on your front lawn the next morning when you got the paper and go, “Oh, that’s what happened. I threw it out the window”? I need answers, Jessica, because every time you do an interview I want to donate money to a campaign to put sex ed in schools. And possibly to found a sex ed school for confused adults.

Jessica adds, “We were definitely extremely shocked.” Well, duh. If I found out that my birth control had been tossed out the window without my knowledge, I’d be shocked too.

I might know what this is all about, though. If you believe my theory about Jessica Simpson never having stopped being pregnant in the first place (and why wouldn’t you?), then it makes sense that she would skirt around the issue with such distancing phrasing.

Even Ellen seems a little confused about Jessica’s apparent lack of reproductive knowledge. Sometimes during interviews, when celebrities say particularly nonsensical things, she gets this expression on her face that I can only describe as “Elluncomfortable.” And she showed a lot of that face during this interview.

Ellen gives Jessica a onesie as a gift, but I think a better gift would be a book explaining the birds and the bees. Or just some birth control. She can just skip the middleman and get straight to the root of the problem.

I look forward to Jessica’s new pregnancy announcement in a few months. Congrats in advance, Jessica!

You can reach this post's author, Jill O’Rourke, on twitter.
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    • Kmichele

      BAH hahaha! Sex Ed Center for Confused Adults…(like the family planning wing of the
      Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too.)
      So here’s what I’m thinking – remember that lame “Chicken of the Sea” incident on Nick & Jessica? & how she got so much (bad) press for saying something so unbelievably dumb, & then claimed it was just a joke & her intent all along was to get publicity for her “business ventures”? I think this might be a poorly planned attempt at a Chicken of the Sea repeat…

      • Jill O’Rourke

        Ooh, interesting theory. Ah, the Chicken of the Sea days. Those were simpler times.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      At least we know she keeps them in there until they’re good and done! She has the gestation period of an olliphant.

    • Eileen

      But…she was married to Nick Lachey for, what, three or four years there without getting pregnant. And now they’ve both reproduced, so neither of them is sterile. She must have SOME concept of birth control…

    • Daisy

      “Elluncomfortable.” Love it.

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