Well, I spent two hours of my life last night watching The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, and I have some things I need to say. First of all, this show has to get itself down to an hour. It has to. It’s an abominable ploy for ratings and I won’t stand for it! Even though I already did. Second of all, the women didn’t really tell all. Mostly they told the same stories we’ve heard all season, just with different face squeezing motions that are supposed to reassure me that they’ve matured over time.
There was AshLee, who was eliminated in the last ceremony and stalked off without saying a thing to Sean other than, ‘you can stay here’ and ‘thank you’. She has a big new head of blondish hair, and she had to take these two hours to simper quietly and maturely at Sean, gently chastising him for rejecting her. She couldn’t quite forgive him because they disagreed about some statements that he may or may not have made in the fantasy suite, but mostly she trotted out the required sympathy to keep her in the running for the new Bachelorette. (Bear in mind that I’m sure they’ve already chosen who it’s going to be, as it’s being announced after the finale on March 11th, I’m just keeping my own mental idea of who it could be inside my brain.) The only new information we get from Sean as to why he eliminated her is that he “didn’t find laughter” with her the way he did with Catherine and Lindsay.
Desiree is another likely candidate for future Bachelorette, and I think she knows it, based on the way she was unsuccessfully working her tear ducts both the night she left and last night on the show. She’s a pretty girl, and seems very sweet, but she’s not as good at fake crying as she thinks she is. She of course is on great terms with Sean now, and Sean has so much respect for what a great person she is, and blah blah blah. We’re all very mature about the guy we knew for five weeks and haven’t seen since not ending up with us.
Naturally the Tierra-rist made an appearance as well, proving that it is not enjoyable to watch (presumably) mentally ill people appear on television and be asked to explain themselves. I’m not a doctor, but anyone who behaved the way Tierra did on the show and then proved as incapable of self-reflection and awareness in talking about it as she did, is working through something pretty monumental. I’ve seen it in real life and I’m not interested in seeing it on TV anymore. It’s hard to watch and it’s not rewarding because nothing will ever get through to her.
And now we get to the only part of the show I actually enjoyed — Sarah. She’s someone who I believe truly did come up with genuine feelings for Sean, and let her guard down with him. She’s sweet and kind and beautiful and smart and never actually said a word against Tierra, if you watch the tape. She tears up watching her elimination on the tape because she says it’s what always happens — a guy says she’s great, but not great enough for him, and she imagines that it’s because she only has one arm. It’s happened over and over and I guess what I’m saying is PLEASE MAKE THIS GIRL THE BACHELORETTE. Please do it. She’s actually real, and it makes me feel so good to imagine guys competing for her affection instead of her feeling like she has to compete for their attention. I want this to happen so badly. Please make this happen.
Otherwise it was a pretty normal show. Chris Harrison was super sassy and surprisingly funny, Tierra’s eyebrow kept it pretty chill, and Sean sure was smiley for someone who had rejected every woman in the room. Tune in next week to watch him pick the woman we’ve known he was going to choose all season, and rest easy in the knowledge that those are two hours of your time that you’ll never get back.