Poor Rob Kardashian. His family has been in the media spotlight for so long that he’s gotten a little confused about his place in this cruel world. He’s so used to being surrounded by his K-named mom Kris Jenner and his similarly K-named sisters Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall, and Kylie that sometimes he forgets he’s meant to be the black sheep of the family, holding it down for the R-names out there. And lately, even since his breakup with Rita Ora, things have been especially hazy. I don’t know if you know this about Rob, but he has a brazen female personality, Krebecca, kind of like Beyonce has Sasha Fierce, and when he’s feeling particularly neglected by the media and/or his mom, she tends to come out and get a little sassy in her demands for attention.
Lights up on right now. We are in the pregnancy ZONE, and this family is obsessed with being pregnant. It’s all they know, so if you aren’t actively in the process of being pregnant, you have to be talking about it, okay? And the rest of the Kardashians are doing a great job — Kourtney’s done it, Kim’s in the middle of it, and Khloe’s talking about it. Kardashian babies are such a big deal that the Kimye baby hasn’t even been born, and it’s already been stealing my lunch money and taking my seat on the bus. This is surrious. So what’s a Krebecca to do? His new sock venture hasn’t been picking up steam quite the way he was hoping for, and he’s recovering from a particularly harrowing breakup. So why not put those K-dawgg skillz to the test and fake a pregnancy? All you need is a few months of dedicated eating for two, the traditional unwed mother setup, and a craving for pickles and ice cream. And congratulations to Rob and Kris, because it worked! The paparazzi have bought it hook-line-and-sinker and are now following Rob’s every move as he attempts to lose the faux baby weight. As he said himself on an episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians:
“It’s crazy how this whole year, my whole relationship was only negative. All I did was gain fucking 40 pounds and lose so much money. I’m so insecure. I weigh like 215 pounds. I hate pictures. I hate everything.”
And then after he filmed that episode, Rob gained another ten pounds, giving him a healthy, fifty pound cushion before mother hen Kris Jenner and the paparazzi lose interest again.