Harry Styles has cheerfully announced to the world that he’d like to date Jennifer Lawrence, and never in the world has the time been more ripe for the phrase ‘yeah fucking right’. Listen, I’m all for following your dreams, unless you’re a boybander from One Direction and your dream is to date that hot, Oscar-winner for Best Actress that everyone’s talking about.
“He fell in love with Jennifer after watching her speech at the Oscars. Harry likes goofy girls and thinks it’s hilarious that she fell over as she went to accept her award for Best Actress.”
Not to be cruel, Harry, but if you fell in love with her at the Oscars, you’re already months and months behind. Most of us started cementing our (lady)crushes all the way back in 2010 when she came on the scene in a big way with Winter’s Bone, and were just basically adding layers of frosting on any already delicious love cupcake by the time she fell up the stairs at the Academy Awards. So you have got some catching up to do, brother man.
“And obviously, like most men, he thinks she’s drop-dead gorgeous. He’s been begging mutual friends who know Jen to put the word out for him so they can hook up next time they’re in the same city.”
Yes yes, very good, this all seems to be in order. Since Harry “normally gets whichever girl he sets his sights on”, I can’t imagine that this process will be any more difficult than exchanging numbers. The next time you’re both in the same town, you should have no trouble at all introducing J-Law to your second direction. After all, think of how much you have to offer her. You’re 19, and she’s 22, so imagine casually strolling up behind her and offering to buy her a drink…unless you’re in the United States, in which case you’re not even allowed in that bar, skippy. Call me a pessimist, but I don’t know that it bodes well for you to be aiming for a girl who’s not even interested in Bradley Cooper. And then even the person she doesn’t want to date doesn’t want to date the girl you just dated…little miss Taylor Swift. Did you follow all that? No? Well, bottom line — just keep dreaming, buddy. Unless your dreams are ridiculous.