Despite the outpouring of nonsupport from Crushable’s commenters who’ve begged me to get a real job, I still work here and I still know everything about celebrity gossip. I know, boos from the crazies all around. I’m sorry all your emails to my boss went unanswered. Although that’s mostly because you emailed me and not my boss. You’re going to have to catch me on a pretty bad day if you want to me to fire myself. Anyway, I do work here and I do troll celebrity news every day. Mostly because I want to bring you the latest and greatest in entertainment news. I show up to work every day because I want you to be the first to know what’s happening in the world. The world, of course. only being Los Angeles, New York — and St. Barts over the holiday season.
While I love, love, love waking up every day and reading the headlines. I hate, hate, hate seeing the same celebrity rumors over and over again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for spreading news that might not be true if it’s new. But I just can’t handle it when it’s the same rumors rehashed day after day after day. It’s boring. I hate being bored. It’s why I’m on 19 different social media networks. When all else fails on the Internet, I’ll always know that I have an entire Pinterest board of wacky bookcases to lean on. Also a Classmates.com account I created for fun back in the ’00s.
So with that said, here re the celebrity rumors I never want to hear ever again.
1. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are Back Together
Thanks but no thanks Justin Bieber’s publicity team. He’s falling so fast that he’ll be lucky if Nick Carter is there to catch him before he falls into the heap of forgotten boys we used to obsess over. He’s not getting back together with Selena Gomez. She’s going places. Bieber’s probably just going to Chuck E. Cheese. Mostly because it seems like the kind of place he’d like to go and have a temper tantrum when they tell him he doesn’t have enough tickets for a stuffed animal.
2. James Franco Accused of Doing Something Zany
I’m done with his zanyness. If he’s not teaching a philosophy class on scuba diving at Harvard, then he’s probably starting a snap bracelet factory in an abandoned pog factory in Iowa. There’s nothing he can do now that will shock me. Nothing. He could spend a year living out scenes from American Horror Story and I wouldn’t blink an eye. So stop making stuff up. Nothing will impress me.
3. Kate Middleton Attempting to do Anything While Pregnant
Enough with the Kate Middleton pregnancy hubbub. We still have months to go out before she pops out this kid and we don’t need to hear about everything she’s going to do. Especially when everything she’s going to do includes headlines reminding us that she’s pregnant. Heads up reporters. She’s pregnant for nine whole months. So there’s no need to have posts up about the possibility that she’s going to appear in public WHILE PREGNANT. That’s the equivalent of saying that she’s going to appear in public WHILE STILL USING THE NAME KATE.
4. Anything Involving the name Melissa Gorga
So help me Andy Cohen if I get one more email from some tabloid claiming to have a juicy scoop on Melissa Gorga. No one cares about Melissa Gorga. Well, besides Melissa Gorga. I can’t think of anything that I care less about than the ongoing feud between her and Teresa Giudice. So stop abusing the term “juicy scoop” in your email subject lines. Please.
5. One Direction is Breaking Up
My heart is only so strong.
6. Kristen Stewart and R.Pattz are Trying to Reconcile
Was I insanely fascinated by the Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson publicity stunt that went down last July? Yes. Am I still fascinated by their relationship? Absolutely not. There are way too many conflicting stories floating around about their relationship, (they’re in love! they’re in hate! They’re in Mexico on a honeymoon! They’re in jail for trying to murder each other!) for me to care at all anymore.
Unless of course they come out and admit the whole cheating thing was an elaborate ploy to drive up ticket sales for Breaking Dawn: No One Is Even Going to Try This Time Around.
7. Rihanna’s Plan to Procreate with Chris Brown
The thought of little Chris Browns running amuck makes me sick. So I’d actually not have to think about it. Ever.
8. The Bachelor Cheating on his Current Girlfriend/Fiance
Look, I think we all know that The Bachelor isn’t real by now. No one will ever find true love on a competition reality show. It’s just not possible. So let’s stop pretending like we’re surprised when things go awry. Because they will always go awry. The relationships will never work. I hope this doesn’t shock you.
9. Who Kylie Jenner is Dating
These are the newest rumors I’m hearing. Yet, they’re the first ones I want to stop. I cannot and will not care about the dating life of a 15-year-old. I have to draw the celebrity stalking line somewhere. It’s a slippery slope. Once I start caring about Kylie Jenner’s dating life, I know it’s too late for me. As a human being.
(Photo: Miguel Aguilar/Bruja, PacificCoastNews.com)