The new Lifetime movie The Surrogate premiered last night. Did you watch? Please tell me you watched. If you did, we should all get together for a support group. Do Sunday evenings work for you guys? I’m flexible. Bring doughnuts. Everyone should just bring doughnuts. We’ll need them.
Where do I even begin with this movie? There are so many things I need to get off my chest to cope with what I just watched. I think I saw God for a second while I was watching. Or was that just Jesus again?
Let me set the scene for you. Jacob Kelly (Cameron Mathison) is a famous novelist and college professor. He wrote Blackberry Winter, that famous story you read in your college English class. Or was that the one by this writer? Or maybe this one? His wife Allison (Annie Wersching) has had a miscarriage and ovarian cancer, and her only chance of having a child is to use a surrogate to carry the last viable embryo she has frozen. Because in Lifetime movies every chance you get to be happy is the absolutely last chance ever.
Allison and Jacob find a sweet, giggly non-party-girl named Remy (Eve Mauro) who agrees to be their surrogate and unfortunately does not agree to be my best friend. Poor Remy falls victim to Facebook-stalking and literal stalking from Kate (Amy Scott), the unstable front desk girl at Jacob’s college, who is inappropriate-smilingly, shrine-makingly, batshit-crazily in love with him. Kate poses as Remy’s friend Nancy to lure her to a club, where she puts ecstasy in her drink, forces her to dance like an idiot, and then pushes her off a building to die on a pile of garbage. Come on, the garbage part was just cruel. I thought I heard the Wilhelm scream when Remy fell, but that could have just been me wishing it and then hallucinating it.
Kate then takes the opportunity to have Jacob’s baby inside her and offers to be their surrogate. They say, “Let’s make a baby!” and then take a creepy selfie together. Kate also shows them what their baby will look like by using one of those infamous photo-composite websites. Allison’s reaction upon seeing the result is the exact opposite of everyone’s reaction ever to the results of such a website. Instead of screaming, “Oh my God, what is that thing?!” she starts crying tears of joy. It might be the least realistic thing in this movie, and that’s saying a lot.
Let’s review the crazy things Kate does to win Jacob over. She finds his email password in a ridiculously unprotected manila folder, then creates fake email correspondence between the two of them. She also uses Jacob’s credit card to send herself roses and expensive lingerie, which she opens in the privacy of her home with as much surprise as that person who ended up being Gossip Girl exhibited reading GG blasts in his/her own house (I’ll save the spoilers for this movie).
Kate tells Allison about Jacob’s inappropriate emails and expensive gifts, and because Allison has seen Juno too many times and fancies herself a redheaded Jennifer Garner, she believes the lies.The last straw is the huge bruise Kate acquires on her eye, which she says is from Jacob, but is actually from a really nasty door in Kate’s house … which she forcibly hit herself in the face with repeatedly. This all gets Jacob fired, of course, but that doesn’t mean he won’t read that student’s short story, damn it!
Meanwhile, Remy’s boyfriend Matt (
Derek Hough the guy from the possibly incestuous Folger’s commercial former Lifetime villain Matthew Alan) has tracked Kate down, and he’s out for revenge. Unfortunately, she’s very good with a pen — and a heavy vase — and Matt doesn’t fare well.
Allison finally comes around to believing Jacob when she walks in on Kate professing her obsessive love for him, then sees Kate threaten to stab herself in the stomach with a pair of scissors if they turn her in. Yep, that’ll do it.
So obviously this couple’s only option is to send Jacob to live with Kate in her creepy mansion pretending to be in love with her and writing whatever stories she wants him to write until the baby is born and when did this movie become Misery?
It quickly becomes clear that, in typical Lifetime fashion, Kate is more than just a psychopath. She’s also a victim of rape who killed her child to be free of her horrible father. Oh goodie.
Let’s wrap this up and get to the doughnuts, shall we? Kate goes into labor at the same time as she shoots at Allison and has Jacob chained to a basement post. Fortunately, Kate has terrible aim and Jacob is just close enough to a saw to free himself. The baby is born, the police come, and it’s implied that Kate will fall in love with the cop and start this whole process all over again.
The moral of this story? Never let anyone but Phoebe Buffay carry your child.