This is great news for troubled celebrities everywhere! Â If you’re famous, have had several run-ins with the law, many failed rehabilitation attempts, and are in massive amounts of debt to the IRS, fear no more: Charlie Sheen is here to save the day. Â First up, Lindsay Lohan!
For no other reason that to give a good soundbite, Charlie Sheen has publicly declared himself as Lindsay Lohan’s mentor, “whether she wants one or not.” Â Fabulous. Â Sorry, Betty Ford. Â Where you have failed, Charlie Sheen will prevail. Â Where Dr. Phil has held back, Mr. Warlock Tiger Blood will tell you how it is.
“I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey.”
Hear that, Lindsay? Â You will no longer be on the path of dress-shredding if you simply seek the counsel of Charlie Sheen. Â You will enter a path of righteousness, or at least upgrade to abusing hookers in hotel rooms while snorting even more blow than your slightlyÂ dilapidatedÂ nose already has.
Charlie and Lindsay apparently began this kinship from hell while working together on Scary Movie 5 after which Charlie cut Lindsay a $100,000 check to help with her tax problems. Now Lindsay is appearing on an episode of Sheen’s show,Â Anger Management, to return the favor. Â (Side note: that show is still on? How can FX continue to fund a piece of shit show like that andÂ Sons of Anarchy at the same time? Â Total mind-blower.)
In case you’re assuming that this “mentorship” is code for “we’re getting high and banging on the reg,” well you know what happens when you assume.
“I love her, I respect her, and I’ve never laid a finger on her that wasn’t on film. How ya like me now, America?”
Uh, well, we don’t. Â But it’s great that you can still get headlines, Charlie.