Happy 19th birthday to the prettiest little swag bunny in all of show business, Justin Elaine Bieber. No I’m sorry, his middle name isn’t Elaine, it’s Drew, and if you need proof that he’s a little gentleman, he’ll show you his abs as soon as look at you, but am I the only one who’s noticed that his hold on his tween empire is starting to get a little tenuous? I’m not saying the kid isn’t talented, because he is — hugely — but I really think 2013 is the year that we finally get the Bieber Fever vaccine and can return to our regularly scheduled broadcasts. “No, no!” you’re saying, “Justin’s on top of the world! How dare you? Get a job! I like your sweater!” That outburst was a little confusing for me, but thank you, and hear me out.
Justin is impossibly popular. IMPOSSIBLY. He’s sold 15 million albums, has one of the most viewed videos on YouTube, has 35 million followers on Twitter, with a new one added every second…and he’s just now nineteen. Today. That is crazy. That is unbelievable. And not only unbelievable, but unsustainable. Sooner or later, he has to crest this wave and start coming down the other side…and I kind of think that moment is now. He’s already coming down. Consider, if you will, an unofficial timeline of The Rise And Fall Of Justin Bieber.
2008 Justin is discovered on YouTube by Scooter Braun. You’re about to be famous, Justin Bieber! You sing for Usher and he buys you for his record label.
2009 You release your first album, My World. It goes platinum and stuff. You feel great! You have swoopy hair and hoodies! You’re performing at a lot of different shows and for the president and stuff. It’s a great time to be Justin.
2010 You release My World 2.0, your first full-length studio album. It debuts at the top of all the things. You do a lot of shows, you musical guest at SNL, you do your first world tour to fun world places. You account for 3% of the traffic on Twitter. That is a lot of traffic. YOUR VOICE DROPS. Big effing deal except not really because you just lower some notes when you sing ‘Baby’ live. Things are still looking up for Biebs.
2011 You release a Christmas album, Under The Mistletoe, the first sign that you might be peaking. It goes to number one, but it’s still a Christmas album, silly Justin. You release your 3D film Never Say Never with lots of fun shapes and colors and songs. You start dating Selena Gomez and everybody likes that a lot because you’re such an adorable power couple. Good job Justin. You are still doing really well. Maybe stop flipping off the paparazzi, but otherwise yes.
2012 You release your third album, Believe. You do another tour to fancy places with singy songs. You are making a lot of money and stuff. HOWEVER. You still really love flipping off the paparazzi. And sometimes now you like to drive really fast to get away from them and get yourself pulled over. Selena breaks up with you, then gets back together, and then breaks up again, and then no one cares. Cheating rumors abound. You are overtaken as the most-viewed video on YouTube by ‘Gangnam Style’, and you’ve dropped to the third most popular celebrity in the world. You’ve also discovered diaper pants and onesies, which helps no one.
2013 You get caught smoking weed, you’re single, your fashion sense is beyond confusing, and you don’t even have a new album out. I don’t know, buddy, if you don’t step it up, this might be the year.
Oh but happy (shirtless) birthday and everything. Have a good one.