David Beckham Is Taking Full Credit For His Crotch, Thank You Very Much

David BeckhamThank you for joining me, everyone, I have some hard-hitting journalism for you today. It’s not about stodgy old politics or skateboarding dogs or silly old Anne Hathaway. Nope…it’s about David Beckham‘s manly bits. I’m sure you’ve heard of them, as they’re very prolific. They’ve appeared in such projects as H&M billboard, Armani underwear ad, weird silver statue, Victoria Beckham‘s elaborate, gilded vagina, and my own imagination. I love their work. But their most recent foray into my eyeballs was in a short for H&M directed by Guy Ritchie, to sell Becks’ underwear line for the chain. And it looks a little something like this:

Okay yes. Let me just watch that one more time and then I’ll get write back to righting. I mean right back to writing. I mean WHAT? Sorry, that was just a little more excitement than my cubicle has seen since Jenni brought cookies yesterday. Anyway, as I was saying. There have been some claims that David used a butt and/or…ahem…crotch double for this shoot, to which he said, on French TV:

“I can say the crotch is mine and the backside is mine as well. Someone said that I had a stand-in for my bum, but no, I can confirm that’s my bum.”

Well that’s a relief. For a second I was worried they’d murdered some poor cute-butted guy and sewn his butt onto David’s in the back. Or done the same thing to a baby elephant in order to harvest his trunk for the front. (That’s…how body doubles work, right?) But it sounds like all is right in the world, and that David Beckham’s various and wonderful man parts are still in top-notch fighting shape, available to be whipped around in a banana hammock for any pair of underoos that needs selling. Although if we need to watch the video a few hundred more times to be sure, I humbly submit myself for the task.

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    • Shelley

      I learned from a very reliable source, okay a mactor (model/actor) confessional on Vanderpump Rules, “Everyone Stuffs.” I don’t think David Beckham is any exception.

    • George

      Now here is something to consider. David Beckham is a something of an international brand. Most international brands would like to project something of a male ideal which obviously includes a large penis. And yet? Have we ever accused Grimace of stuffing? or Jared from Subway? No. And yet, by all accounts, they both have very large penises. This smells like a double standard.