• Thu, Feb 28 2013

Neil Patrick Harris Did Not Call Off His Wedding, So Calm Your Tits

The 55th Annual GRAMMY Awards - Warner Music Group 2013 Grammy Celebration Presented By MiniSorry for using the phrase ‘calm your tits’ in the title, but somebody used it on me the other day, and now I can’t stop saying it. What does it mean? How can you tell if they’re not calm? What do they do? And why were they so amped up in the first place? We may never know. But you probably clicked on this post for a story and not a treatise on my decidedly non-calm tits, so let’s get to that: turns out that Neil Patrick Harris did not call off his wedding to fiance David Burtka, okay? Are we clear?

There was a lot of hubbub about it, mostly because the actors didn’t immediately get married the day after getting engaged, like most people do. This is just one of the sad side effects of giving LGBTQ people the right to get married — they haven’t had our same straight people rights to shotgun weddings, divorces, annulments, and just plain bad ideas, so they’re out of practice. Somewhere along the line, some idiot must’ve told these guys that they can get married however they want, and golly, I sure am embarrassed for them that they believed it. Still ignoring the unanimous demand that they get married immediately or else announce that they were faking it all along and break their engagement and admit that love isn’t real, NPH tweeted the following after the National Enquirer printed a story that he’d called off his wedding:

NPH tweet

Yeah nice try, Neil. We see you. We see how unhappy you are. Even though when you first got engaged you said:

NPH tweet 2You can’t fool me! I’m a straight person! I’ve been guaranteed marriage rights for my whole life! I know how this is supposed to work and you are RUINING. IT.

(Images: Twitter / FayesVision / WENN.com)

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  • Gayle

    This is the type of relationship I’ve always wanted for myself!