Josh Groban turns 32 today. And you know what he wants for a gift? Your mom. That’s right YOUR MOM. And my mom. And her mom and his mom and all the moms. He’s a mom’s man. The kinda man who makes your mom turn up the radio in the car and say, “I like this song, who is this again, Michael Buble?”
A little unsure about wrapping your mom up in ribbon and mailing her to Josh Groban? That’s okay. I was unsure at first too. But let me make the case for you on why Josh Groban is the perfect man for your mom. Like a lawyer on a TV show who only has 42 minutes to prove her case, I’ll lay out the facts, show you the evidence and dare you to say I’m wrong.
So with that in mind, let’s begin with Josh Groban’s appearance. Has God ever sculpted a more perfectly inoffensive face? Look at it for a minute and really think about how your mom would react.
Is he not the cutest thing to ever open his mouth and sing? Sure he’s not hot. But he’s cute! Moms love cute. Especially when cute comes with a side of slightly unkempt hair. It reminds them of their more unkempt days. Like when they would feel totally cool leaving the house in a mullet shirt (that’s slang for a shirt that’s ironed in the front and wrinkled in the back, because if you can’t see the back, no one else can. Science!)
I can think of 496 times my mom picked me up at high school, pointed to a boy and said, “he’s cute!” I can’t think of one time where my mom pointed to anyone and said, “he’s hot. Just absolutely smoking hot. I’d do him. I’d kick you out this car right now, make you call your father to come pick you up and just do him.”
Also he’s old enough that it’s okay for you mom to express her attraction to him. Like it’s not okay if you and your mom spend late nights gabbing about Harry Styles. But it is okay if you do the same with Josh Groban. He’s 32. That’s mom age. Classic mom age. Because even though she’d be all like, “he’s so cute and he’s only 32, you could date him!”, she’s really thinking, “he’s so cute and he’s already 32, I could date him!” Moms like people who are in their thirties. Then they can pretend they’re cougars living in a cougar town. All moms secretly want to be cougars. I know this because TBS commercials for Cougar Town tell me this.
Why else would your mom like Josh Groban? His songs are very mom friendly. Mostly because they sometimes involve instruments. The very instruments your mom once begged you to play in high school so you could look well-rounded on your college application. Gosh, moms love songs that involve instruments. They also love songs where the singing’s a little slower so they can catch all the words. Gosh, moms sure do get frustrated when they can’t understand the lyrics — for speed and excessive euphemism reasons.
Even though his songs tend to be not super pop-y, he has moments where he totally kicks off his heels and gets down! Like the time he went on Ellen (also mom-approved) and sang “Total Eclipse of the Heart” with her. Gosh, he’s fun! In a safe way. A very safe way. Your mom likes to relax in a safe way too sometimes. No drugs for your mom! But she will allow herself to turn the music up on the car radio sometimes and hum along.
Still need another reason why Josh Groban and your mom are perfect together? Okay, that’s fair. Try this on for size: he gets nominated for Grammy awards. It’s not that your mom cares about Grammy awards, it’s that she cares about knowing what’s hip and trendy. There’s nothing worse to your mom than being unhip and untrendy. She’s still trying to live down the time she said “tweeter” at Thanksgiving. Being able to talk about Josh Groban makes her feel like she’s in on the music scene. She knows who’s cool! There’s nothing your mom loves more than dropping cool bombs on all her friends and then being like, “oh you didn’t know that!”
Also, Josh knows Celine Dion. In the best way possible. And by that I mean that they’ve performed together. Can you believe it? Your mom can. Because she loves Celine Dion, so it only make sense that Celine Dion would love Josh Groban.
And last but not least, it’s important to note that Josh Groban’s an actual good guy. Mostly because he’s scandal-free. For a guy who’s been famous for more than 10 years now, it’s pretty impressive that he’s never gotten caught drunk driving or cheating on girlfriends or being seen in public with Lindsay Lohan. For a cute guy with a talent, that’s pretty rare. Pretty rare indeed. It should go without saying, but moms love guys without criminal records. It makes explaining them to their friends a lot easier. It’s never fun to start out a I-have-a-new-boyfriend speech with, “he’s in jail right now but…”
So with all that said, I think it’s safe to say I proved my case. Your mom and Josh Groban belong together. Right now.
(Photos: Fallen Star, PacificCoastNews.com, JoshGroban.com)