British national treasure Harry Styles, feather in the cap of One Direction, the boyband whose fans are currently sweeping the nation and harassing you on Twitter, has been the victim of an assault by shoe, you guys. At the 1D concert last night in Glasgow, someone threw their shoe onstage, and after Harry bent down to pick it up and asked why he only got one, someone immediately sent another one flying up onto the stage…hitting Harry squarely in the crotch. He jokingly fell down on the stage, clutching his junk, as Liam Payne quipped, “Well, he has been assaulted.” And while Harry clearly treated it as a joke, saying he was ‘scared of shoes’ now, this is very serious business and it deserves our immediate attention. Check out the video below.
Honestly, you guys, we’re lucky Harry got off as easily as he did. It seems very likely that this first shoe attack was merely the warning shot in a planned war of footwear against young Harry. Part of me thought it was gonna be one of those things where the first two shoes went, and then all of a sudden every shoe in the house would be headed toward the stage. Like in fairy tales when all the birds swoop in to peck out the giant’s eyes at the same time. Somehow, somewhere along the line, Harry did something to a shoe that he shouldn’t have, that much is clear. Maybe he stepped in gum with it or didn’t wash all the dog poop off it or wore it to bed. Maybe the shoes are on the side of Taylor Swift, whom Harry has been rudely taunting with compliments. Who knows? It could be anything, but it’s real — the shoes are out for him. There have been reports across the nation of mass mobilizations of hats and coats swearing to avenge Harry’s honor, but most of the clothing below the waist has sided with the shoes, namely jeans and underpanties. No word yet on overalls. It sounds like they’re trying to stay out of it…they have enough of a hard time out there as it is.
(Image: David Sims / WENN.com)