Before I was a world-renowned blogger at Crushable, I used to work in a restaurant in New York City. I won’t tell you which one, because I’m about to divulge some of the secret things that happened there, but it really did happen, okay? So don’t give me that look. I worked there for two years and eight months, and in my time, many a celebrity both grand and humble. Some of them were a delight, some of them were normal people, and some of them were a pain in my ass — much like the everyday human beings I also served. But these people were famous people, and since that’s the only kind of story that anyone ever wants to hear about from my days working in restaurants (no but let me tell you about the night that nobody did their side-work, it was ridiculous!), I’m gonna talk about that for a while. And you’re gonna listen and judge. So, without further ado, The Ten Best And Worst Celebrities To Wait On In Restaurants…in my experience:
His is a face you want to walk into your restaurant for a lot of reasons. He’s incredibly polite, laidback, keeps his kids under control, and ohmygodhe’sgoodlooking. Like, better looking in person than he is on film, where I was already dangerously attracted to him. If I were that dashing, I’d be rude to everyone ever, but he’s got great manners and tips like a gent.
Chris Rock and Louis C.K.
First of all, yes, these two did indeed come in for a bromantic dinner all by themselves, thank you very much. Chris was cordial and Louie actually went out of the way to ask me questions, politely ignoring the fact that I was pooping my pants in excitement while pretending to calmly take their order. Tipped nicely and are my favorite table I’ve ever waited on.
Prepare to forget that he’s even a celebrity, that’s how nice Matt Damon is. Makes eye contact, asks intelligent and polite questions about the menu, and tips well. He actually met his wife, Luciana, while she was working as a bartender, so he clearly has a healthy respect for the industry, and I for one very much appreciated it.
One dreadful Easter Sunday, while I was contemplating the best way to injure myself with a plate of eggs benedict and get sent home, a brief glimmer of light appeared in the cafe — Ricky Gervais. He’d come to the restaurant before and been waited on by my friend, but never by me. Also he’s my most favoritest and I had a table open, so I think I had a joy blackout. Except the hostess didn’t recognize him and gave the table away to a couple who breezed in front of him and his girlfriend and broke my heart into tiny tiny shards. BUT! I know he’s good to wait on because I heard good things from my friend, and also because he was so nice about us not having a table. He didn’t make a stink and demand that someone get up, which he easily could’ve done, but just told us don’t worry about it, that he knew it was a busy day, and to have a good day, giving me the strength to finish my double shift without attempting brunch-icide. (If you’ve worked at restaurants, you know. It’s a thing.)
I did not wait on Alan myself, which I found very disappointing, but he was extremely tolerant when I briefly and intentionally rested my butt upon his shoulder while passing behind him. Also a good tipper.
Oh sweet beautiful god. He played Smith Jarrett on Sex and the City and he is a gorgeous, gorgeous man. Was extremely tolerant of the parade of servers finding reasons to approach his table to do some unnecessary task like sweep invisible errant crumbs off of it while blatantly ogling him. A beautiful, laidback man, and generous with the tips. Also beautiful. Did I mention beautiful?
Alec was actually a regular at our restaurant for a while until he moved out of the neighborhood to move in with his now-wife Hilaria. He was in at least once a week, and was always super friendly. He liked to talk about his new health kick and the fact that our food was so clean and fresh and non-fatty. Good tipper, too. The only reason he’s in the ‘borderline’ category and not the ‘good’ category is because he’d frequently come in like fifteen minutes before closing, when the restaurant was empty and you’d already gotten excited about getting out of there early. But it was exciting to wait on him and he was super nice, so it was hard to care too much by the end of it.
Not nice, not rude, just odd. Always came in with a companion of some sort — nothing relationshippy, but like an associate or a colleague or something? And then he’d only communicate with his server through that person. Except sometimes he’d direct stuff straight to you, but you’d be caught off guard and wouldn’t know how to respond. A lot of weird requests and behaviors. Again, not bad — just odd.
Another regular of ours for a while, this is a woman who looks very different than she does on-screen, and acts in person exactly how she looks. She’s very scowly and cold, won’t smile or make eye contact, and gets short with you if you ask questions to clarify the special requests she makes with her order, like a salad that we’d taken off the menu that she insisted we find the ingredients for. Even when you wait on her hand-and-foot, she tips about 10%, sometimes as low as 8%.
You can read the full story here, but this girl is the worst. The actual worst. Endlessly harassed her server, making fun of him when he tried to explain the ingredients of a dish, told him he didn’t know what he was talking about, complained to multiple managers, and sent her dad to knock on the windows of the kitchen looking for her food after less than twenty minutes (she had ordered well-done fish and cited multiple allergies), saying it had been hours. She was a bitch and a brat, and her family was the same way. Miserable to wait on, and left a 10% tip, even after items had been taken off. The. Worst.
So yeah, those are the highlights from my illustrious serving career. Have any of your own? Good or bad celebrities to wait on? Every put your butt on anyone’s shoulder or steal a toy giraffe from their child (that’s another story)? Let us know!