Welp, that moment we’ve been dreading is finally here — adorable couple Jason Segel and Michelle Williams have reportedly broken up, and I don’t think I have enough black clothing in my wardrobe to successfully mourn the loss of this couple. They looked happy on vacation together in Cancun in January and talk about each other adorably, but according to reports, they’ve been broken up since earlier this month. Which is weird because I didn’t even smell it in the wind or see it in the leaves, and none of my usual squirrel and bird friends chirped it sadly into my ear.
Apparently they’ve ended things on pretty good terms, as the only thing getting in the way of their relationship was distance. As you may recall, Jason lives in LA to be near the How I Met Your Mother set, and Michelle lives in New York City with her daughter Matilda. But I don’t care how amicable these two are, this is horrible news. Jason and Michelle had been together since March 2012-ish, and they were the couple who gave me faith in cute, quirky love working out against all odds between people who are a foot apart in height. Also pixie cuts, although that was mostly Michelle and not really Jason at all, no offense buddy.
I’m sorry to break the news to you like this, but you just need to know that this isn’t your fault — they still love you very much. It was nothing you did or said, unless you are responsible for putting so many states between California and New York, in which case you should sleep with both eyes open. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go pull all the shades and watch Love Actually until romance makes sense again.