Whether it’s real or fake (or whether you think it’s real or fake), Catfish The TV Show offers a peak into the world of Nev Schulman and Max Joseph exploiting the crap out of Catfishees who have found themselves dabbling in the alternate universe of online relationships. Long gone are the days of AOL chat rooms, A/S/L introductions, and finding a common bond in the Magic The Gathering-filled virtual meeting places. No ma’am…this is social media sabotage. It’s on a whole other level of Single White Female. Only in the Catfish version, SWF probably ends up being Gay Midwestern Man.
For YEARS, I’m telling you, they’ve chatted, flirted and even proposed marriage…yet they’ve never met or sometimes never even spoken on the phone (or Skype, for those technologically-advanced persons). Seriously, though? Denial or stupidity? I’m skipping the naive category ’cause you know that ain’t true. Somewhere on the level between Intervention and Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew, you find yourself watching these people reach out to exploitation expert Nev to help them
make an ass of themselves in front of the entire nation find and meet their true loves. You’ve laughed, you’ve pondered and you’ve fast forwarded through the car ride segment to get to the big reveal. Now, let’s catch up with our favorite hot mess Catfisher/Catfishee peeps.
First, let’s go back to touching on how sketchy Nev Schulman is, like, in general. Under the rouse that he himself was a victim of catfishing (soon-to-be real dictionary word – see: Catfish the film) and on a mission to help the youth expose the scam or finally meet their mystery lovers, Nev is all about keeping his thoughts to himself when undergoing these “investigations”. I mean, he obviously knows the deal, especially once he starts digging into their fake profiles and “I can’t talk, can we text?” messages. But he carries on with Max Joseph, filming whatever he is filming, to get to the truth, facilitate a meetup and then follow with a therapy session. Also, Nev is always complimenting the women way over the top all the time. It’s creepy ’cause he’s about to lead them to the lion’s den.
“Oh snap, you mean you’re NOT a model who has done Playboy shoots, is in online school to be an anesthesiologist and likes to talk to me but never meet me in person? Also, you’re a dude?” Thanks a lot for the heads up Nev…gaaaaawd. Also, what is Max Joseph filming all the time? I mean, there’s a camera crew there…sooooo…I don’t get it.
Alright, back to the reunion. Just when you thought that embarrassing yourself on national TV was bad, here they come for round two, the mother of all awkward situations. What’s more awkward and uncomfortable than an icebreaker game at a work retreat? It’s being on the same couch as the person who f*d you over for years, then was all heyyyyyy I’m not the person you thought I was hahaha, suck it, this is just a normal Saturday night for me. And because they aren’t at Manti Te’o status level, they have to settle for coming on the reunion show to tell their quasi-celebreality side of the story…again. And the competition remains, who is more ridiculous – the Catfisher or the Catfishee? Let’s carry on and make our own judgments on who came out the life winner, post-Catfish The TV Show.
Sunny and Jamison/Chelsea - This was one of the more “believable” episodes because at least both people were attractive. Except Jamison was really a lesbian woman named Chelsea. Dontcha hate when that happens? Man, everyone was trying to get a piece of Jamisea (Chelsison?). Even Sunny’s sis was all huffy and puffy about talking to the same dude; but we can all agree she definitely dodged the bullet of meeting up with Chelsea-as-Jamison. As a first episode, this was not all that shocking, but a good start down WTFsville road. I was definitely hooked (get it?…another catfish pun for you to enjoy). Fast forward to reunion time where we get an update on sparkly Sunny and “I didn’t expect her to wear a dress” Chelsea. Sunny is still bitter and unforgiving, while Chelsea is enjoying truthful freedom and her anti-bullying campaign start-up. Winner: Chelsea. Even though Sunny learned her lesson and made up with her backstabbing sister, she was busted for a DUI recently, whereas Chelsea is likely partying it up in gay clubs and promoting awareness to a good cause.
Jasmine and Mhissy/Mike - First off, this was one of my favorite episodes. While I was verbally bashing Jasmine for being so friggin’ stupid (really, never talking to this dude on the phone…ever?), I felt bad that Missy kept this charade up for a year out of spite and revenge. And by bad I mean awesome. Missy’s interview right after her reveal was priceless. And Jasmine’s rage made me hope for a Nev-intervened brawl in the parking lot. All that chest hair on Nev has gotta mean something. When we swing back to the reunion, both animal print-clad ladies still despise each other, are still sending hateful Facebook messages, and yelling at each other across the couch. After some eye rolling on all of our parts, I can tell this will go on for awhile. The power of a grudge and a woman scorned is omnipresent in the world of social networking sites. I really wanted an update on Triggs, though – the man who started it all. Winner: Jasmine. Even though Missy dropped some Triggs knowledge on Jasmine (expose the hos!) and her laughing at Jasmine behind her back for a year…in the end, Missy was the one who carried out revenge over a supposed relationship with her sorta man that she’s probably not even with anymore – for a year. Get. A. Hobby.
Trina and Scorpio/Lee - How badly I wanted this stripper love story to turn out blissful. Nope, instead poor Trina finally met her dreamboat and he looked slightly different than his pictures. Trina, assuring us that looks don’t matter, was a little upset at all the lies and being duped by Lee, a self-proclaimed rapper-booking agency. That’s alright, though…when we meet up with our tolerant twosome, we see that Trina is fine as ever and Lee is just, yah know, busy doing him. After painfully watching him compare himself to Superman/Clark Kent, I think we can all agree that they’ve done some good self-promotion, even landing Trina her own reality show. Whaaaaaaaa?! Cool story, Trina. Winner: Trina. For obvious reasons. Other than being a little more of a feel good ending, complete with Scorpio calling in and making Trina’s heart flutter, this episode’s update was lame. I want anger and resentment! Well, here comes our next guests…
Joe and Kari Ann/Rose - You might remember this episode as the story that duped even our Catfish professionals, Nev and Max. Ol’ Rose is, no joke, legit at Catfishing aka ruining Joe’s life. She had no problem going along with the story and even appearing on camera to verify Kari Ann and Joe’s online relationship. Rose didn’t even feel sorry for making Joe believe he was talking to, in love with, going to meet a Miss United States Teen and Playboy model. GET. REAL. Joe is probably the best client at any strip club in America. But Rose tries to mend her wayward fake profile ways, only lasting a mere day offline. At the reunion, the tension is clear and Joe still hasn’t gotten over missing out on love with his beloved model virtual girlfriend. I’ll bet their run ins at the grocery store were pretty awkward for awhile. The reality is that Rose aka Boobs McGee would have probably let Joe hit that…if he had any respect for himself. Winner: Rose. Getting the last dig in on Joe by outing his recent arrest, Rose is a little more comfortable (as psycho as it is) with being who she is than Joe being who he was/is/will be for a long time.
Lastly - Kim and Matt - Let me spare you the boring details…the episode lacked a big reveal, except that Matt lied about his weight. It was actually Matt the whole time and Matt was actually a cool dude. Matt showed up at the reunion having lost 200 pounds. As impressive as that is, I think we all know that gay men pretending to be women while talking to someone online is better than a real human friendship story. Winners: Kim and Matt. Success story…albeit boring.
So what can we take away from this Catfish The TV Show season, as we look forward to the next? Well, I think we should all know by now that if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. I’m talking to you, every person on the show who thought that a model was talking to them and that they were dating them even though they never met in real life. Also, don’t mess with Missy. She’s not gonna give up first, that’s for sure. Max got more hugs and love on the show than you think. And finally, if you like a woman who is a pre-op transgendered man, and then you meet them and they are not, and then you don’t like them anymore…please accept that you are a gay man. PLEASE.
Looking forward to happy endings, wedding bells, and far more stupidity to come in the next season!