• Mon, Feb 25 2013

Breaking Amish Attempts To Become Even More Hate-Watchable By Filming Season 2 In Florida

Rebecca Abe Kissing Breaking Amish

I’m trying to remain cool, calm and collection, but I can’t. I just got the press release that TLC “reality” show Breaking Amish will be returning for a second season in May 2013 — and it will be returning in Florida. While I’m confident in saying that this show proved to be the most hate-watchable show of 2012 by simply putting Jeremiah, Kate, Sabrina, Abe and Rebecca on camera, this is the one twist that can make it even snarkable. They’re moving the worst people on TV to the worst state in the country. Like everything else TLC does, it’s evil and genius and it’s therefore going to be a hit.

In case you somehow missed the trainwreck that was the first season of this show, let me tell you what happened. Five Amish kids decided to move to New York City to see if it’s a better fit for them than Amish country. They arrived wearing their long dresses, pressed slack, bonnets and suspenders. But before long went all English on us and started drinking, having sex and taking in the local stripper scene. It would all be very scandalous if the we hadn’t found out that they lied about everything. Including their Amish backgrounds. None of them came directly from strict Amish families. Meaning they’d worn bathing suits and jean and short shorts before. Also Jeremiah Raber was 32. Not exactly a kid. But speaking of a kids, he does have a few. That’s right, he’s a divorced father of three with an alleged criminal background.

Which makes him most similar to Kate Stoltzfus. Because before getting discovered by TLC, she got discovered by Florida’s law enforcement professionals for driving under the influence. Also on the list of people with mugshots. Abe Schmucker! This little innocent fella actually got arrested for public intoxication all the way back in 2008. Which is nothing compared to the fact he allegedly fathered a child with Rebecca Byler
while she was still married to another man
. And speaking of marriage, Sabrina! This shy Mennonite gal pal actually got married in long before the show air. Then got divorced.

What does this all mean? The entire first season of the show turned out to be completely fake. Which ironically (and sadly for humanity) only made the show better. They’re all lying liars with secret babies and hush-hush relationships and ex-wives with restraining orders. And gosh darnit, isn’t that what trashy TV’s all about? People so stupid that they don’t wipe their social media accounts clean before lying to America on TV?

While the first season horrified me, I’m all too aware that I’ll be tuning in for season two. Pray for me. And pray that we’ll find out more about who fathered Rebecca’s mystery baby.

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