It’s hard to believe the 2013 Awards Seasons is all done now that the Oscars are over. No more awkward acceptance speeches. No more watching movie clips from hopeful nominees on late night shows. No more tweeting every 30 seconds without the fear of losing all our followers. No more best-dressed lists. And even more sadly, no more worst-dressed lists. Our favorite time of year’s officially over.
Farewell Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic, I miss the absurdity of everything you say already. Never change. Never be coherent Never show more than a passing interest in the people you’re talking to at any given time.
In honor of the end of our favorite holiday season, we wanted to celebrate appropriately. And really, what’s more appropriate than giving out awards for the best awards show?
So with no further ado, here’s the best of the best…and the worst of the worst.
Hosts That You Want to Kidnap and Make You Laugh All Day: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at the Golden Globe Awards.
This one could also be named the mostest-superest-obviousest award. They killed it at the Golden Globes this year and everyone knows it. When was the last time Golden Globe hosts got a shout out at the Oscars? Um, I’ll go with never. We all joke about them hosting everything, but truth is I don’t think anyone’s joking. They did a perfect job of being funny and witty without being mean. It’s a fine line and they managed to dance on it all night long, without ever crossing it.
Hosts You Want Someone Else to Kidnap Because They Made You Say Meh: Kaley Cuoco at the People’s Choice Awards
Look, I got nothing personal against Kaley Cuoco. From what I hear, she’s pretty funny on Big Bang Theory. But that doesn’t mean she should host award shows. It’s just not her thing. In the same way that watching CBS isn’t really our thing.
Person Who Got Totally Snubbed In The Most Atrocious Way Possible: Ben Affleck for not going a Best Director Oscar Nomination
You know what’s worst than starvation, war, Sarah McLachlan abused animal commercials and pajama jeans combined? The fact that the Academy didn’t nominate Ben Affleck for a Best Director Oscar. It’s like jeeezzz louiseeeee man. He’s VERY talented. And without that award, no one will ever know. That’s why he brought it again while accepting the award for his best picture at the Oscars. Everyone needs to remember this. Forever. Where were you when you found out Ben Affleck got snubbed? That’s a question your hologram grandkids will ask you in 80 years.
Most Accurate Description of Awards Season From An Actor: Adam Scott calling it a Circle Jerk
You gotta love a man who points out the elephant in a room. And you gotta love him even more when him pointing it out gives you a reason to explain a circle jerk to your mother.
Best at Losing Weight to Show Commitment to a Role: Anne Hathaway Losing 900 pounds for Les Miserables
Slow clap for pretty Miss. Oatmeal Paste! This girl did what had to be done to get headlines for an 18-minute cameo in a three-hour movie. It’s not every actress who will go on a dried oatmeal paste square and radish diet just so she can talk about it on talk shows — and then proceed to talk about why she doesn’t want to talk about it.
Red Carpet Hosts You Don’t Need To See Ever Again: Ross Matthews and Kelly Osbourne from E!
There’s nothing I enjoy more than watching Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana Rancic pretend like they like each other on the red carpet. And there’s nothing I like less than Ross Matthews and Kelly Osbourne. They LOVE everything. They’ve never seen a dress they didn’t adore or a necklace they didn’t envy. Try and get some opinions guys before next year. K. Thx.
Awards Show You Definitely Already Forgot: Critics Choice Awards
What can we possibly say about the show that no one remembers happening?
Speech Most Likely To Reveal an Upcoming Divorce: Ben Affleck
Um, no snubbing Ben Affleck here at Crushable. He’s going home with two awards from us. One for being a baby about the Oscars. And one for making it clear in his Oscars acceptance speech for best picture that he’s probably talked to a few divorce lawyers. Just to see what they say.
Most Surprising Side Boob: Michelle Dockery at the SAG Awards
In a season full of side boob, it’d be hard to pick the most sidiest. But Michelle Dockety defintely takes home the award for most surprising side boob. Who knew the Downton Abbey girls had 2013 boob trends down so well. I didn’t. I doubt Matthew did either. (RIP buddy).
Best Fall While Walking on Stage to Accept An Award: Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars
There’s no one who could have pulled this off better than our best friend Jen. And there’s no GIF that can make us believe in love more than this one of Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman rushing to help her up.
Youngest Human Being Alive: Quevenzhane Wallis
You gotta hand it to her for being the youngest person to ever accomplish anything ever. She’s a role model for everyone else who there who still living life in the single digits.
Celebrity Stinkeye That Made You Believe in Evil: Taylor Swift at the Golden Globes
Just thinking about the stink eye Taylor Swift gave Adele when she won best song at the Golden Globes sends the chills right down my spine.
Most Entertaining Drunk Celebrity: Selena Gomez at the Golden Globes
Wasn’t she a treat to watch getting interviewed after the Golden Globes. I mean, we liked her before this interview, but we loved her after it. Because who hasn’t gotten so excited about Jennifer Lawrence that she’s recited a drunken ode to her on camera.
Actress Who Excelled the Most at Making Everyone Hate Her: Anne Hathaway
I don’t know how Anne Hathaway did it, but she managed to turn the entire world against her while campaigning for her Oscar this year. While J.Law used this time to become the world’s most beloved fantasy BFF, she used it to make people hate her. For no reason. Yes, everyone hates Anne Hathaway and no one can offer a valid reason why. But at least it brings us all together.
Acceptance Speech that Made the Least Amount of Sense: Jodie Foster at the Golden Globes
This speech will go down in history for being the longest, most ramblingest thing ever rambled. What was it? No one knows. I mean, the internet tried to figure it out. But like every puzzle that’s in your basement, it’s missing a few vital pieces.
Least Necessary Musical Performance at An Already Long Awards Show: The Chicago Cast as the Oscars
Why did this happen? Why did no one say no? Just why?
Awards Presentation that you Watched Over and Over Again: Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig at the Golden Globes
Nothing made us laugh harder than Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig talking about all the nominated movies at the Golden Globes. In short, it was amazing. In long, it was exactly what we wanted from an awards show. I hope they set some kind of precedent with their routine because it’s the best thing to have ever happened at an awards show.
(P.S – Thanks to Crushable reader Michelle for this awesome idea!)