Here’s a little something you should know about me, guys — I may be sarcastic and snarky and a
little extremely off-putting, but I am extremely naive about marriage. Even though my own parents and the parents of approximately everyone I know are not together, whenever a new couple gets married, I assume they’ll be together forever.
Like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, for example. I assume that because they have three kids and hold hands in public and touch foreheads when they talk, that their marriage is a happy one. It’s respectful and loving and domestic, and you can tell just by the way these two look into each others’ eyes that they’ll be together forever. But also by that marriage contract they made. Which no one ever breaks or has broken or will break and so on. And then I remember…these people are strangers to me. I don’t know them now and will almost certainly never meet them. The information that goes into my brainholes about them is filtered through paparazzi shots, publicity statements, and magazine interviews, so I’m pretty much in thrall to whatever they want to tell me about their situation. Which is why I was so caught off guard last night when Ben, giving a speech onstage for his film Argo‘s Best Picture win, didn’t just thank his wife and tell her he loved her, like I was expecting. Instead, he said this:
“I wanna thank our friends in Iran, living under terrible circumstances right now. I wanna thank my wife, who I don’t normally associate with Iran…but I wanna thank you for working on our marriage for ten Christmases. It’s good. It is work, but it’s the best kind of work. And there’s no one I’d rather work with!”
Wait but Ben! Why! Why do you make me worry like this? Couldn’t you have stopped your ‘thank you’ after the funny Iran comment? You thanked her, I’m on board, I’m ready for the understandably bitter references to not being nominated for Best Director (no but seriously, what?). But instead it’s like a joke about how you’re in marriage counseling, but maybe you’re not? And maybe you don’t like your relationship, but you like it better than any other one you could imagine being in. “And it’s good! Yeah, no, it’s good. I don’t hate it. I mean I don’t like it, but it’s not bad. Who’s gonna be happy all the time? It’s a decent relationship, I’m fine with it.”
You’ve sent my whole world into a tailspin, guys. I came into work today and my editor Jenni told me that there are rumors and blind items suggesting that Ben is bored with their relationship and wants out — that Jen is super domestic and likes to be home, and Ben is over it. So I guess it’s time for the Ben Affleck Jennifer Garner divorce rumors to begin. But…I…no! I won’t stand for it! You guys are the only solid relationship in my life! You and your forehead touches are all I have left!
(Image: Brian To / WENN.com)