Like every human being worth a second glance in this world, I’ve been watching The Oscars tonight, and I just want to be the first Muggle to congratulate Draco Malfoy and his family for the three Academy Awards they’ve won tonight. It’s not every night that wizards grace us with their presence here in the non-magic world, but the magic and glitter of the Oscars is so strong that it drifts up and over the whole city, clouding our eyes until we can barely tell the difference between a Squib and a dementor. Can you imagine!And the Malfoys took advantage of that, first claiming an Oscar in the category of Cinematography, sending up Lucius Malfoy to claim a statue for his work on Life Of Pi. under the pseudonym Claudio Miranda. Lucius has aged a bit since we’ve seen him in the movies, but that’s Hollywood, am I right? Work hard, play hard, cast spells hard.
Then it was time for Draco’s crazy old Irish uncle to win his award. His name is Aloysius Malfoy, and while you may not have heard of him, he’s quite the hothead. Kind of a lightweight, too, so best hope that you never meet him in a dark alleyway after he’s thrown a few butterbeers down his gullet. And finally, just when we thought the wizards had relinquished their hold on our silly little Muggle contest here, the black sheep of the family, Draco’s stoner cousin Muesli Malfoy stepped up to the stage. And here’s how I know that this guy is a wizard, and not just Per Hallberg, like the Academy wants us to believe — there was a TIE. Mark Wahlberg opened up the envelope and read out two names. Um puh-scuse me? Are we kidding? Never has that ever been a thing, until the Malfoys stepped on the scene!
Well congratulations gents, you’ve all had exciting days. Now go home, draw a bath, and let your hair down. Or…pin it up, I guess, because it’s already down, in all its blond glory. Now get outta here, you wizardly Oscar winners, you.