Okay. I will admit that I’m not the biggest Anne Hathaway fan, but I really am trying to be objective about this. What what whaaaaat is Anne wearing on The Oscars red carpet right now? She’s a beautiful girl, she has a perfect body, great skin, and has made glorious fashion choices in the past (or her stylist has, but she’s approved them, anyway), but today was confusing for my eyeballs and my brainballs. Is it just me or does it kind of look like she’s dressed for a prom? And not like a skanky prom that the daughter of one of the Real Housewives would go to — like a nice, ladylike Wisconsin prom. Somewhere where they eat their corn and have a glass of milk before bed. This is a girl who’s going to the dance with her high school sweetheart, Larry, and she’ll only let him kiss her on the cheek. That is until she has a couple swallows of peach schnapps and, flushed with the exuberance of youth, lets him kiss her with tongue and squeeze her left breast. The smaller one, and over the dress.
But never fear! She still remembers this is the Oscars, so she’s bringing a secret weapon — NIPPLES. Nipples nipples nipples for days. Not content with the ribbon fashion show happening in the back of this pale pink confection, Anne seems to have brought a ready-made pair of rubber nipsies. Right out front, right where we all can see them. If she wins the Oscar, I have a feeling they’ll blink like the headlights of a car. But seriously I don’t get this dress. According to the E! coverage she was supposed to wear Valentino…to the point that even Valentino thought she was wearing Valentino…and then three hours before the red carpet, she switched to this underwhelmer. My only theory is that maybe she’s trying to channel Gwyneth Paltrow in that similarly prom-y and nippletastic light pink number she wore when she won for Shakespeare In Love.
But you just go on with your badass self and your daisy chain diamonds, Anne. God knows it doesn’t matter what I think of your fashion choices, you’ll be fondling that golden gentleman all over his Oscar-parts soon enough. Just don’t tell Larry, because he might not let you ride home in his Chevy.
(Image: Jason Merritt / Getty Images)