Listen we know each other, you and I, and I haven’t been exactly secretive about the fact that I saw a mere two out of seven of the movies nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars this year. It’s a lot of money and a lot of time and I have a really busy sleep schedule to adhere to, okay? I don’t have time to be the uber-knowledgeable journalist you want…or even the one you deserve right now. It’s a dark time in the saga of Alexis knowing things, and I can admit that. I’ll do better next year.
But I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let a little ignorance keep me away from an Oscar party, am I right? I have an invitation or two up my sleeve from fancy themed parties where I’m supposed to bring food, and you think I’m gonna stay home just because I didn’t sit through Les Miserables? NO. No no no. Just because I didn’t see the back molars of Amanda Seyfried as the camera slam-zoomed into her mouth while she was singing doesn’t mean I don’t know how to rock a potluck. I’m a professional. This ain’t my first time at the rodeo.
But maybe you’re not as confident as I am that this can go off without a hitch. Maybe you’re cowering in your bedroom with the blinds down instead of whipping something up and taking it over to your friend Milanie’s apartment to watch the show. Which is whyyyy…I’ve taken the liberty of creating some recipes for you to throw together that will help you fake your way through any party. I’ve created an Oscar recipe for every single film that’s nominated for Best Picture, so throw one in the oven, don your choicest stovepipe hat and fake Lincolnbeard, and get on over to Milanie’s house. And as long as you’re there, why don’t you tell her how to spell her goddamn name.
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This is a movie about old people, so bring foods that old people would like. I call this one THE EARLY BIRD SPECIAL.
Roll two Werther's Originals in lint and set them out to dry while you call 311 to berate them about the heat in your building. When dry, put them in a hot cup of tea and forget to drink it. Once it's cooled, repeat the process from the beginning.
Grow a beard. That way, whatever you make will be taken more seriously.
Ideas: Iranian lasagna, Iranian sushi, Iranian fried chicken, etc.
Beasts Of The Southern Wild
Hunt a large southern beast. Kill said beast. Roast it and serve it with a fine red wine. Bonus points for hunting animals you are not supposed to kill, like magical aurochs or a wooly mammoth.
Bring a controversial food like foie gras and then insist on calling it by its name even though you're not black.
Just bring a nice barbecue sauce for everyone to put on their hands so they can gnaw on their fingers. They will thank you when the rest of France is starving. Also they won't be able to sing with their fingers in their mouth, so that's a plus.
Life Of Pi
A PIE A BIG PIE BRING A PIE!
a few minutes
Make a nice stew out of potatoes and beef and carrots. I'm sure you know how to do that. Then put it in a stovepipe hat and yell at it every time it drops out of character on set.
Silver Linings Playbook
Bring a ham sandwich with cheese. If people give you attitude and say it doesn't go along with the theme, say, "The silver lining is that I didn't bring crabby snacks."
Zero Dark Thirty
Put together the kind of snack you would normally eat at 12:30pm, aka Zero Dark Thirty. For me that's a pint of Ben and Jerry's and a spoon. Minimal prep work, maximal reward.