(Photo: Felipe Ramales, PacificCoastNews.com)
Happy 38th birthday to Drew Barrymore! Mrs. Kopelman is not only a mother to the incredibly adorable little Olive, but she’s also the original Queen of Quirky. Yep, move aside, Zooey Deschanel, someone else was here first.
We love Drew for her classic roles in Never Been Kissed, He’s Just Not That Into You, and of course E.T. But sadly’s Barrymore’s nearing 40 — and we all know in Hollywood that means she’s kind of on the way out of acting and transitioning into a “behind the camera” role. Sorry for not being sorry that we understand the way Hollywood works when you’re a lady who’s old enough to rent a car.
What does this mean for you? Well, she will soon need a replacement and heck, it could be you. We’ve researched every single Drew Barrymore movie from Boys on the Side to Whip It to Duplex and decoded the method to playing Drew Barrymore in a film. We’ll take you step by step through the process right now so you can be ready for your audition.
1. Look different, yet exactly the same in every single movie you do.
Drew Barrymore has the incredibly uncanny skill of being able to play an incredibly diverse amount of characters while still looking just like Drew Barrymore. She can transform from sassy ginger in Home Fries to a classic Victorian beauty in Ever After to an aging woman well into middle age in Grey Gardens and STILL LOOK THE EXACT SAME. It’s amazing. So work on that.
2. Star opposite someone you have already dated, are dating, or plan to date in real life.
Everyone is familiar with the idea that some onscreen romances end up being real life relationships, and no one knows this better than our girl Drew. Who knows if she and these guys are such good actors that they really believe they’re in love, or if she’s dated them and puts in her contract that her current boyfriend must be in the movie with her. Either way, it sure happens a lot. She dated Luke Wilson, Justin Long, and David Arquette before making movies with them. Then she pulled a double whammy by making Charlie’s Angels while dating Tom Green during filming, then rebounding with Sam Rockwell after the movie. Who else is disappointed she never got with Michael Vartan?
3. Get screwed over by a guy you thought was wonderful
One of the keys to playing Drew Barrymore in a movie is to make sure you’re getting screwed over by Mr. Wonderful. Sure he looks great at first, but don’t worry, he’ll ending up hurting you big time. So make sure to keep an eye out for these kids of guys when you’re out this weekend.
Need an example? Here are five.
Billy Prince, the king of high school douchebags in Never Been Kissed, tricks Drew as Josie Geller into thinking they’re going to prom together. Then when the limo arrives at her house, Prince stands up in the sun roof, throws eggs at her and ditches her while she’s standing there in her eggy prom dress.
Sam Rockwell played Eric Knox in Charlie’s Angels. Knox began the movie as the victim they were trying to help, but in a twist of events, turns out to be the villain! He tricks Barrymore’s character, Dylan, into giving him confidential info so he can take down Charlie. Knox also doesn’t mind shooting Dylan. Probably a bad sign for your relationship.
Steve Zahn plays the boyfriend who knocks Drew up, does ample amounts of drugs and then turns into a deadbeat dad in the super depressing Driving in Cars with Boys. Way to go, champ.
In Music and Lyrics, Barrymore’s love interest is Hugh Grant. I don’t really remember what happens in this movie, and neither should you, but usually when Hugh Grant is in a movie, he’s screwing SOMEONE over. It was probably her.
And in He’s Just Not That Into You, Barrymore plays Mary, a woman virtually dating a guy who leaves her a sweet voicemail on her machine at work — then proceeds to leave the exact same message on her machine, but for someone named Christina. He sucks so much, we don’t even get to see him on camera.
2. Recite some long speech or profound quote about L-O-V-E.
(Photo: Tales of Pen and Paper)
With those wistful glances, most Drew Barrymore characters tend to have long, grandiose speeches about love. Because in her world, love is pretty much all there is. So if you want to be Drew Barrymore, you’re going to have to get pretty good at saying quotable things about love.
Take for example the following lines from the movies below.
“A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex. But then, as you get to know the person, that’s the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It’s the combination of the two that makes it magical.” -Sophie Fisher, Music and Lyrics
“I had this guy leave me a voice mail at work so I called him at home and then he e-mailed me to my Blackberry and so I texted to his cell and then he e-mailed me to my home account and the whole thing just got out of control. And I miss the days when you had one phone number and one answering machine and that one answering machine has one cassette tape and that one cassette tape either had a message from a guy or it didn’t. And now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It’s exhausting.” – Mary, He’s Just Not That Into You
“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time.” – Josie Geller, Never Been Kissed
1. Be wholly inappropriate in a kinda cute way.
(Photo: Hello Giggles)
What I’ve gleaned from viewing way too many Drew Barrymore movies is that she’s always doing something inappropriate in a kinda cute way. Probably an early influence on the life I lead today. So use these example from her movies to guide you as make your own inappropriate choices.
As Erin in Going the Distance, she talks to her sister about guys’ seeking sexual approval. Her simple response to this complicated issue? “Shut up and lick.” I still haven’t recovered from the PTSD of that moment. She also drunkenly yells later in the movie at a man to suck her dick, and when her friends say she doesn’t really have one, Barrymore strongly begs to differ.
Hello, Josie Geller. In Never Been Kissed, Barrymore plays an undercover news reporter who pretends to be in high school. While trying to fit in, she unknowingly eats a pot brownie and subsequently performs on stage in front of everyone, including the classy move of sliding her boa between her legs…and this is on top of the inappropriate act of acting like it’s cool that a high school teacher’s hitting on a student.
Finally, as Dylan in Charlie’s Angels, Barrymore’s character makes it very clear she doesn’t mind using her feminine wiles to get what she needs. She takes one for the team by distracting a driver for the other Angels by licking his steering wheel. Boner patrol better be on the prowl, because there’s no way this dude isn’t guilty.
And there you go! Five easy steps to playing Drew Barrymore in a movie.