He’s looking for me. I know he must be looking for me. Like Prince Charming trying the glass slipper on the feet of all the women in…Cinderellaville looking for the right one, Bradley Cooper has been linked to four different women in four nights. Although he does have a bit of a (mistaken, I’m sure) reputation as a ladies man, I feel strongly that the time spent with those ladies must have comprised hours of searching, interviews, and scheming dedicated to finding The One or, as I’m known to my friends — Alexis Rhiannon.
Like any good detective, Bradley touched down in London on February 8th for a Silver Linings Playbook dinner and immediately got on the case. He took aside MTV host Laura Whitmore (one!) for what witnesses have described as ‘flirting’ but what I have no doubt was heated questioning. My suspicion is that Bradley must have heard that I frequently watch MTV, so he was trying to get the serial number for my television in order to track it and send flowers to my apartment. Laura must not have had it, though, because the onlooker adds, “He asked for her number, which of course she gave him.” A dead end.
But don’t despair, Bradley picked up the scent a few days later, on February 10th, when he was spotted dirty dancing with Star Trek Into Darkness actress Alice Eve (two!) at a club after the BAFTAs. This one’s pretty obviously a case of just a name mix-up. Alice Eve? Aleve Ice? Alevice? Alexis? Clearly thought it was me, which is proved by the fact that he left the party with Gemma Arterton (three!), another actress ‘on his arm’. Don’t worry, guys, I’m not an idiot. I know these two probably had consolation sex. But Bradley and I haven’t met yet, so I don’t begrudge him stopping at the occasional way station along the journey.
The very next day Bradley was back on that tired old beat, lurking through the Elle Style Awards, undoubtedly because he had heard I was so stylish and award-worthy, and was hoping to find the gentle traces of my blogging on the shoulders of all the fashionable people. But instead he just found Suki Waterhouse (four!), a twenty year old model. But for those of you who heard they hooked up, don’t worry! He must’ve just been thirsty and thought she was an actual house for water, because he’s previously stated he’d never hook up with Jennifer Lawrence because she’s way too young for him. And Suki is two years younger than her, so there’s no way that possibly happened. NO WAY.
But anyway Bradley, I’m twenty-five and tired of waiting around for you to put all these puzzle pieces together and show up, so why don’t we just meet at the Chipotle tomorrow at 3:00pm. THE CHIPOTLE. The only one. If you aren’t there by…7:00pm I’ll just continue fanatically blogging about you and assuming you’re interviewing more naked ladies about where to find me.
Cool, glad we had this talk.
(Image: Lia Toby / WENN.com)