• Wed, Feb 20 2013

What Your Favorite Rihanna Song Says About You (Happy 25th Birthday, RiRi!)

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Today marks the quarter-centennial of one of the most important entertainers of our time, Robyn Rihanna Fenty. No matter what you think of her music, you have to admit she’s done quite a bit to take the American pop scene from an only moderately slutty landscape of first kisses and bubblegum to a blatantly sexual place full of kinky relations, bad boyfriends and bottle service. I’m also willing to bet the vast majority of Americans have a favorite Rihanna song, whether or not they will admit to it. In recognition of this wonderful young woman and everything she has done for us, I present: What Your Favorite Rihanna Song Says About You.

“Umbrella”

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You long for a simpler time in Rihanna’s life, when she was just shaking off her pretensions to teen pop and the most dangerous man she’d dated was…I don’t know, because her personal life was not yet a media circus then! You are a bit of a romantic, and enjoy sharing your rain gear with people you care about. You add extra syllables to words whenever possible.

“Rude Boy” (above)

Despite being supremely sexually available, you are a castrating presence in men’s lives, making them constantly question their ability to maintain an erection or whether their penises are, in fact, big enough to satisfy you. You like Caribbean dance hall a little bit, but not too much.

“Only Girl In The World”

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You are slightly insecure, and need to be constantly validated and praised by your lover in order to feel good about the relationship. You often fantasize about doomsday scenarios in which all women except for you have perished and it’s up to you to repopulate the world with tiny mini-mes.

“S&M”

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Ever since reading 50 Shades Of Grey, you’ve been trying to get your husband to use the furry handcuffs and miniature whip from your BDSM starter kit on you, but he won’t do it because he thinks it’s silly. You get a thrill out of stealing images from famous artists and passing them off as your own on your DeviantArt page.

“We Found Love”

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You smoke an irresponsible number of cigarettes. You are attracted to hot but dysfunctional men. You tend to repeat yourself a lot.

“Diamonds”

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You’re so rich and high that you sometimes (often) get confused about what marijuana looks like and try to roll a joint out of diamonds.

“Stay”

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You take really long baths when you are sad.

Album art, video stills: Def Jam

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  • Dmitri

    My favorite’s Rehab…what does that say about me?