Have I made it clear to you guys that I don’t care for Anne Hathaway? Have I really driven that point home yet? I hope so, or else I should humbly lay down my writing quill and take up accounting or cross-stitching or lawyering instead. All things that I am equally good at. So after putting so much negative Anne-ergy into the world, imagine my surprise to find out that she is still nominated for awards and happily married and getting cast in movies. I don’t understand it, but somehow it seems like my astute blogging opinions haven’t put a damper on anyone’s Anne-thusiasm. (As a side note, I am really killing it with the Anne puns today. Let’s all give me a pat on the back and also an Oscar maybe.) Case in point, it’s been announced that Anne is Clive Davis’ first choice to star as Eliza Doolittle in the updated Broadway version of My Fair Lady, opposite Colin Firth as Henry Higgins.
Noooo! NOOOOO. Cut to a shot of me in an abandoned snowy square, raising my arms to the sky as the camera pans out. Can we not do this? Please? I really don’t want to watch Anne Hathaway as fucking Eliza Doolittle. UGH. She’s gonna be so big-eyed and precious and Cockney. SHE’S NOT EVEN BRITISH. Was there no British woman available that day? We get to borrow Colin Firth from the Royal Lending Library and we’re gonna waste him on Anne’s clutchy, eager earnestness? Must we? UGH. I’m honestly so bothered by this, not least because I’m sure she’ll be great and everyone will love it and she’ll win a Tony and then she’ll get an Emmy and a Grammy somehow and she’ll already have her goddamn Oscar from Les Miserables and then I’ll have to live in a world where Anne Hathaway has an EGOT and oh god I don’t even want to imagine it. So instead of accepting that inevitable eventuality, I decided to put together a brief list of characters that Anne could play that would be more annoying than her as Eliza Doolittle. It was difficult to imagine, but after hours of agonizing effort punctuated by hate-naps, I was able to come up with ten. Enjoy.