• Wed, Feb 20 2013

10 Anne Hathaway Roles More Annoying Than Her As Eliza Doolittle In My Fair Lady

BAFTAs PressroomHave I made it clear to you guys that I don’t care for Anne Hathaway? Have I really driven that point home yet? I hope so, or else I should humbly lay down my writing quill and take up accounting or cross-stitching or lawyering instead. All things that I am equally good at. So after putting so much negative Anne-ergy into the world, imagine my surprise to find out that she is still nominated for awards and happily married and getting cast in movies. I don’t understand it, but somehow it seems like my astute blogging opinions haven’t put a damper on anyone’s Anne-thusiasm. (As a side note, I am really killing it with the Anne puns today. Let’s all give me a pat on the back and also an Oscar maybe.) Case in point, it’s been announced that Anne is Clive Davis’ first choice to star as Eliza Doolittle in the updated Broadway version of My Fair Lady, opposite Colin Firth as Henry Higgins.

Noooo! NOOOOO. Cut to a shot of me in an abandoned snowy square, raising my arms to the sky as the camera pans out. Can we not do this? Please? I really don’t want to watch Anne Hathaway as fucking Eliza Doolittle. UGH. She’s gonna be so big-eyed and precious and Cockney. SHE’S NOT EVEN BRITISH. Was there no British woman available that day? We get to borrow Colin Firth from the Royal Lending Library and we’re gonna waste him on Anne’s clutchy, eager earnestness? Must we? UGH. I’m honestly so bothered by this, not least because I’m sure she’ll be great and everyone will love it and she’ll win a Tony and then she’ll get an Emmy and a Grammy somehow and she’ll already have her goddamn Oscar from Les Miserables and then I’ll have to live in a world where Anne Hathaway has an EGOT and oh god I don’t even want to imagine it. So instead of accepting that inevitable eventuality, I decided to put together a brief list of characters that Anne could play that would be more annoying than her as Eliza Doolittle. It was difficult to imagine, but after hours of agonizing effort punctuated by hate-naps, I was able to come up with ten. Enjoy.

(Image: WENN.com)


Little Orphan Annie

Not even that big of a stretch. They have the same name. Anne could play this in her sleep, and probably has. (Image: WSJ)

Forrest Gump

In case hell freezes over and Anne doesn't get the Oscar this year, count on her staging a reboot of Forrest Gump to get herself a shot at that mentally-disabled prize. Honestly I'm shocked she hasn't gone there yet. (Image: WENN.com)

Jar Jar Binks

Yeah, like he wasn't gonna show up on this list. (Image: neatorama)

Rachel Barry from Glee...or just Lea Michele in general

Either way, the role she was born to play. (Image: WENN.com)

Lord Voldemort

He dreamed a dream. (Image: WENN.com)

Lassie

The Anne Hathaway of the animal world. (Image: WENN.com)

Mary Poppins

Can you imagine? Ugh, I can. It would be the same exact movie, just Mary has a pixie cut and the kids get to say 'shut up shut up shut UP' a lot more. (Image: workingmomsagainstguilt.com)

Bella Swan

Someone make a time machine because I honestly need this to happen. (Image: WENN.com)

Abraham Lincoln

Never one to be showed up by Daniel Day-Lewis, Anne will boldly play a bearded male president. Critics will praise her earnestly bobbing Adams apple. (Image: WENN.com)

Jiminy Cricket

"I have some advice. Lemme sit on your shoulder and sing it to you." (Image: photobucket)
Share This Post:
  • Tina

    If you don’t like her, why do you post about her? Odd!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      It’s my literal job.

    • Tina

      While, you’re sitting behind a computer criticizing someone you don’t even know, Anne will continue succeeding and gaining more accolades! :) Must be tough being a bitter hag, like yourself. You’re way too irrelevant for an A list star like Anne to acknowledge.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I shall strive to be the best bitter hag that I can! It’s a heavy, cat-smelling mantle but I take on with enthusiasm.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YCRHXS57Q6GKPISZNWQ7RGCUEM Rick

      You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

    • http://twitter.com/redpuma Alex Mitchell

      As opposed to a hypothetical job?

  • shut up !

    Alexis, stop being a hater and get a life. Your ignorance, jealousy, and insecurity scares me. Sadly, only females ( especially innocent females ) are targeted with this type of hatred- never the men. Because you hate Anne Hathaway, you shouldn’t talk about her or give her the time of day- that would make sense to me. Also, learn to be professional and objective. This why I don’t take most journalists, most bloggers, and most critics seriously anymore because most of them have an agenda. If they personally don’t like an artist, they will nitpick everything and trash the artist. I guess ignorance is bliss .

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      You sure do talk a lot for someone whose parents named them ‘shut up!’.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I’ve never heard of ignorance before, but it sounds fantastic.

    • http://www.facebook.com/alexis.mascitti Alexis Mascitti

      I really do think that, as a fellow Alexis, I have to be part of this hater-intervention. You are of course entitled to your opinion, but goodness, to devote oneself to such intense dislike… it seems exhausting! There are LOTS of actors and actresses I feel Hollywood pushes down my throat (I know pretty much NO ONE agrees with me, but, ugh, Channing Tatum? I don’t get it), but I don’t devote such a large portion of my writing output that dislike. Honestly, if you don’t like her, it IS possible to ignore her! She’s not THAT ubiquitous!

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I actually disagree with you — I think that during awards season, ubiquitous is exactly what she’s been.

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  • Tina

    If you hate her, why do you post about her? Odd.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Should I answer this again with different punctuation?

  • Moly

    She’s already has an Emmy. Poor you

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      NO! Does she??

    • Lauren

      She does have an Emmy for guest star of something. She will win a Tony and then win a Grammy for best musical theater album and then I will hate the world with you because I also hate Anne Hathaway.

      The thought of her as Eliza pains me. I LOVE Broadway and go quite frequently and having to skip My Fair Lady because she’s in it leaves me saddened since it’s such a great show. Also, she does a TERRIBLE English accent. How could she possibly do 2 English accents within the same show 8 times a week??

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      We have to do something. As of this Sunday she’ll be halfway to an EGOT. She’s on the scent.

  • Melly

    You are such a hater. Honestly move on because obviously she is doing something right to be winning awards. SO please write about something more useful or entertaining that doesn’t make you sound like you have nothing else to do but hate on someone who is doing good in their career.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      She’s doing tons of stuff right! Almost everything! I just inexplicably can’t stand her.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1523512659 Dario Lauritano

    Hahahaha simply patetic. Please, get a a life.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      Where would I find one? The Duane Reade near me is closed.

    • http://www.facebook.com/alexis.mascitti Alexis Mascitti

      So you too live in NYC. This explains a lot of it. Seriously, I know – this town can be brutal, and someone as cheery and smiley as Anne Hathway can seem ripe for the hating. But if even Perez Hilton can hang up his hater-hat, and put down the hater-ade, I think you can, too.
      And I sincerely hope your JOB, as a grown woman, is not to hate Anne Hathaway. Your job is to write online about celebrities.
      The one thing that has cheered me up (slightly) is that there are enough people out there willing to stick up for someone like Anne Hathaway, who, in all honesty, is so polarizing.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_YCRHXS57Q6GKPISZNWQ7RGCUEM Rick

    “I really don’t want to watch Anne Hathaway as fucking Eliza Doolittle. ”

    Tough. With the new mandatory “must watch everything Anne Hathaway does” laws in effect, your fate is sealed.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      I know! It’s not fair!

  • Cee

    Hah I have said that Anne is the Rachel Berry of life! Thanks for backing it up. Also Hathaway fans are not as nice as I thought they would be, especially since shes so nice and whatever. They certainly dont know how to take a joke as I suppose she wouldnt either. But meh, half her fans are probably THAT kid in drama class so the moody comments here dont shock me.

  • Liz

    Today I saw Anne Hathaway picking out furniture for the rent-free space she’s living in, inside your head, Babe.

    • Alexis Rhiannon

      She’s not supposed to have a washer and dryer in there, that’s all I know.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/karen.wasylowski Karen Wasylowski

    Everyone just chill. I thought Carey Mulligan was supposed to be Eliza Fucking Doolittle until Anne’s name came up. And Carey’s British. Nuff said. And really, don’t spend time hating. You don’t see me wasting my time over that husband stealer Angelina Jolie. I don’t pencil in a mustache on her pictures or blacken her teeth or make farting sounds whenever she’s on tv. You don’t see me, do you? God, I hope not… Maybe Keeley Hawes could play…oh shit, please no.