Did the sun come up in the east this morning? Do bears shit in the woods? Did Mila Kunis draw breath? I think the answer is probably yes on all counts, because Mila is using that breath to talk about whether or not she’ll star as Anastasia Steele in the movie version of 50 Shades Of Grey. Again. Still. Always. Despite the fact that it hasn’t been confirmed whether the movie is even happening, the new hip thing these days if you’re a young, attractive actress is to play coy about whether you’d do it or not, with bonus points for doing it in the same sentence.
Now I haven’t finished 50 Shades Of Grey (mostly because I refuse to buy it and have the police find it in my abandoned purse in case I’m inevitably kidnapped and sold into slavery), but I’ve read a few chapters, so let me explain the character of Ana Steele to you in case you value your pride and haven’t been brazenly reading it on the subway like all the middle-aged women I commute with. Anastasia is just your run-of-the-mill gorgeous college senior who has never had sex but knows exactly how to do it when she gets involved with a much older, incredibly wealthy sex maniac. Like every intelligent female in the 2000s, Ana feels safe being alone with a stranger and signing a contract that gives him leave to perform exhilarating acts of sado-masochism on her young, nubile body. She is rewarded for this naivety with hundreds of pages of vivid sex acts, including one highlight where her gentle master Christian Grey removes a humble tampon from her exquisite vajayjay in order to have mind-blowing, adjective-filled intercourse with it. (The vadge, not the tamp.) It’s a really classy book. I think I’ve done it justice. Oh also they have simultaneous orgasms the first time they have sex — as the S&M freak is tenderly taking her virginity — and also fall in love, because this is real life and of course they do.
ANYWAY. No one has any idea how this movie is gonna turn out, because nobody’s officially signed onto it yet. The way it’s going, it may not even happen, but that doesn’t stop Hollywood actresses from doing the will-they-won’t-they dance with the role, tiptoeing around whether it’s too risque or just risque enough for their burgeoning careers. I don’t know where Emma Watson, Elizabeth Olsen, or Shailene Woodley have landed on that issue, but where we stand with Mila right now, according to what she told Mario Lopez on Extra is that she’s “not disinterested” in playing the role. Okay cool. Thank you for that extremely forthcoming answer, I’ll tune in tomorrow for more delicious waffling and mind-blowing orgasms.
(Image: FayesVision / WENN.com)