• Wed, Feb 20 2013

This Oscars Cheat Sheet Will Make People Think You Saw Every Movie

So the 2013 Oscars are this Sunday and odds are you’re nowhere near prepared. Unless of course you’ve seen every single movie nominated, which we both know you haven’t. Don’t apologize, you have a life. Or a lot of reality shows that you must watch all weekend, every weekend on your DVR. Either way, it’s okay that you’re behind.

That’s why we’re here — to get you completely up to speed before the show airs. How could you possibly sit with your friends, families and frenemies at an Oscar party if you don’t know everything about every single Academy Award nominated film. (And by friends, families, and frenemies, I obvi mean the #oscars hashtag on Twitter.)

Half the fun of watching the show is trying to stay awake. Just kidding, that’s only a fourth of the fun. No half the fun of the show is showing up all your friends with your crazy pop culture knowledge  As a loyal Crushable reader, you have no excuse not to be on top of your game. So we put together this handy-dandy little cheat sheet. full of conversation starts.

Watch every trailer, memorize every quote below and you’ll be the best person to know at your party.

ARGO - “Ben Affleck got ROBBED. Career-wise. Not house-wise. No I think his house is probably very secure. But get this, everyone though he would get a best director nod because he overcame Gigli by directing a good movie. Then he totally got shafted. We should probably launch a kickstarter or something to buy him that best director’s Oscar that he wants so badly. Oh what’s this film about? Think hide and seek meets the Iranian hostage crisis meets ’70s facial hair. Yep, we’re talking staches. Also Mr. Cooper from The OC is there. Anything to get away from Julie, right?”

BEASTS OF THE SOUTHERN WILD - “The girl who stars in this movie has every letter in the alphabet in her name. And they’re not in order. It’s like a Q here, a Z here, an E there.  Quvenzhané Wallis to be exact. While this movie probably won’t win any awards, it’s awesome that it made it this far in the game. Especially considering that  Quvenzhane’s the youngest best actress nominee ever, it’s best director nominee Benh Zeitlin’s first film and first-time-actor Dwight Henry ran a bakery in New Orleans before starring in this movie.”

DJANGO UNCHAINED - “If you like this movie you are racist, if you don’t like this movie you are also racist. No, but seriously, this dark comedy about slavery comes directly from the brain of Quentin Tarantino. And by that I mean that it’s full of violence. But the fun kind. The Kill Bill kind. Also that kid from Titanic is in it. LOL, just kidding, I know his name. It’s Leonardo DiCaprio.”

LES MISERABLES - “Anne Hathaway gained 400 pounds and then lost 399 of those 400 pounds just to play this role by eating radishes and dried oatmeal paste. It’s inspiring. Also they sang live in this movie. Can you believe it? If you see it, you will believe it. Because Russell Crowe. Hmmm, what else. Hugh Jackman carries Eddie Redmayne through literal shit because in revolutionary France, that’s what people did to prove they loved each other. Now they just go to Jareds.”

LIFE OF PI - “You should see the Tiger’s dressing room requirements. I’m just kidding. It’s not a real tiger. But it is a real lesson. About what? Mainly how to train a tiger if you end up stranded on a lifeboat with him in the middle of the ocean. I’m just kidding, it’s deep. As deep as the ocean that they’re in for the majority of the movie? Even deeper. Think God, religion, humanity and insurance investigations. You know what, just read the book. It’s a billion times better. But read it with 3D glasses on because it’s 2013 and that’s cool.”

LINCOLN - “Spoiler alert: he frees the slaves. Also he totally sounds like Lincoln. Even though no one really knows what Lincoln sounds like, everyone knows that Daniel Day-Lewis nailed it. Oh man, if only I’d stayed awake for the three-hour production, I would be able to talk about it so much more eloquently. But man, it’s long. In other news, Miranda Hillard’s back and sassier than ever! You go Mrs. Lincoln. But not up to the stage, because you’re probs not going to win best actress this year.”

SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK -  ”Jennifer Lawrence is ah-mazing in this movie. She makes me want to move home and take up dance…just on the off-chance my hawt neighbor (aka Bradley Cooper) returns home from a mental health facility and needs a quirky young lady to show him the meaning of life. Also, also, also did you know that director David O. Russell wanted to cast an elderly lady in this role, like Angelina Jolie or something, and J.Law impressed him so much with her audition that he chose her instead. It’s like a fairy tale, if fairy tales involved football, Robert De Niro and Katniss Everdeen.”

ZERO DARK THIRTY - “So this movie’s totally controversial because like torture and terrorists. Which sucks for Jessica Chastain because she did a kickass job playing the CIA agent responsible for killing Osama Bin Laden. However the Academy apparently hates controversy because they’re boring and your Dad, so people are saying they won’t reward this movie for stirring up drama. Didn’t see it? Watch Homeland, it’s different, but the same.”

AMOUR- “Old people, Am I rite or am I rite or is this movie not in English. That’s right! This best picture nominee’s a French film that stars Emanuelle Riva – someone who’s name you might know because at 85-years-old, she’s the oldest best actress nominee ever. Because she’s a little older than the rest of the gang, some people are predicting she’ll win over Jennifer Lawrence. But that’s a little ageist if you ask me. But no one asked me. Also no one told me I’d go through an entire box of tissues while watching this move. Sad face!”

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