Kate Middleton, Duchess of Oversharing, showed off her baby bump today. Because she’s gross. And unladylike. And unaware that pregnant women should remain inside until their fetus turns 13. At that point, they’re allowed to leave the palace to consult with Bar Mitzvah DJs. Also orthodontists. But other than, there’s no reason to leave. Not as long as FreshDirect.com exists.
Look, it’s one thing to be pregnant. And it’s another thing to be pregnant in public. Look I get it. People have to procreate if we want to keep this whole human race thing going. But like, keep that belly-growing-biznass to yourself. Mostly because it’s a slippery slope once we start applauding pregnant celebrities for being outside while pregnant. And we can’t possibly begin to explain to them that mortals can go outside while pregnant — and they can’t. So because they’re simpletons who only speak the language of Soundbites and Publicists, all pregnants must stay inside.
While you’re probably reading this right now and making your “whaaaa??” face, let me explain. It starts with flaunting baby bumps on websites, escalates to flaunting full-on baby bellies on magazine covers and climaxes with celebrities just flaunting everything all over the place. Fresh underboob, classic sidebutt, trendy elbow crooks, toned bellies, taut urethras. It’s a neverending flaunt fest and we need to stop it right here, right now.
Well celebrities, royalty and Ryan Seacrest are already the cockiest human beings alive. Rewarding them for doing something that people have been doing since the literal beginning of time just feeds into their egos. And just like the animals at the zoo, you do not want to feed celebrity egos. Mostly because they’re insatiable, and a few of them bite.
(Photo: Optic Photos, PacificCoastNews.com)