I think we all owe Paris Hilton a long, overdue apology for completely forgetting about her and her pioneering efforts when it comes to being famous for no respectable reason. What better day to take a moment to commemorate her than her birthday? Happy birthday, Paris!
Because of you, Paris, young girls have seen many women become famous or more famous for filming themselves having sexual intercourse. ”Baby Talk” is now officially one of the romance languages, and you can hear it in abundance on pretty much any show on the E! network. Girls with rich fathers and trophy wife mothers are now taken seriously when pitching television shows about their empty lives to producers. I ask you: where would Kim Kardashian be if she hadn’t been one of your desperate cling-ons at Tao parties? Bruce Jenner might still look like a man if you hadn’t filled our television screens and lives with “That’s hot” and 156 shades of pink. It’s truly shocking when you sit and think about it.
Somehow Nicole Richie was able to completely distance herself from you, heroin, and bad hair extensions. That must have been hard. How you must laugh at her now though, with her successful fashion line, adorable children, and doting husband. The joke is on her, Paris! She doesn’t have 21 chihuahuas to cuddle at night, does she?
In all seriousness, sometimes I feel bad for Paris Hilton. She was on top of the world, getting DUI after DUI and gossip bloggers to worship her. She was the Regina George of famous for being famous. And now she must bow down to a world of bankruptcy amd KimYe. I wonder if the Hilton women have voodoo dolls of the Kardashian women?
Anyway, we hope you have a great 32nd birthday, Paris! You’ll go down in history books someday. No really, you probably will because humanity doesn’t exist anymore. You can rest easy knowing that. Enjoy!