• Fri, Feb 15 2013

Steve Martin Working Out In Hopes Of Not Being A 67-Year Old New Father Anymore

grammy awards arrivals 16 130212Steve Martin is a new man, everybody. His wife Anne Stringfield had a baby back in December, and Steve is bound and determined not to be an elderly man anymore now that he’s also a father. Anne is only forty-one years old, the spring chicken to Steve Martin’s sixty-seven years of roaming the globe. Wozers, guys, that’s a lot of years! But never fear! Lest you worry that Steve might miss out on some of the milestones of his new baby’s life, ala our predictions for the fifty-four year old Alec Baldwin, let me put your mind at ease: Steve is already taking steps to reduce his age and make himself younger and younger as his baby grows.

He’s been photographed riding a bike, a form of exercise that doctors have proven incrementally decreases your age with every single pedal. So whereas normally Steve would be eighty-five by the time his kid is a legal adult, if he keeps up this presumably rigorous fitness program, he’ll actually only be fifty-one by the time his kid can vote, the same age my dad was when I turned eighteen. Which is obviously the exact right age for any present and future father. I don’t think I need to explain that to you.

But seriously guys, this is one old dad! The male life expectancy in the United States is only 75.35 years, which means that if everything goes exactly according to science, Steve will only be around until his kid’s eighth birthday. That’s second or third grade. If he lives as long as the typical Japanese male, in the number one slot for life expectancy, then that gives him another four years, so he gets to see his kid blow out twelve candles. But if he only lives as long as the average male from the Central African Republic, with the lowest life expectancy rating, then he’s already been wandering the Earth as an undead zombie for 23.47 years, and we should probably call an ambulance.

(Image: Apega / WENN.com)

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