As the Carnival Triumph slowly made its decrepit way to shore yesterday, I prayed that there would be some kind of pop culture twist so I could talk about it on Crushable. The stories that trickled out over the past few days are approximately one billion times better than any Lifetime movie that I’ve ever seen. And the conditions that we’ve heard about rival the entire Wikipedia entry for The Human Centipede 2. So imagine my delight when I woke up to see this headline on The Daily Mail: It was like the Hunger Games’: Carnival cruise survivors talk about their horrific ordeal on board the ill fated ship.
“Yes!” I mumbled aloud to myself as I steadily paced back and forth in my bedroom, rubbing my hands together and laughing manically, ”This is just the kind of angle I need to turn this into the biggest news story that the entertainment world’s ever seen.” Not only did we finally have a pop culture reference, but we also had allusions to organized child murder, star-crossed lovers and a Hemsworth on-board. Forget the Titanic, my screenplay for Triumph: An American Vacation Disaster Porn Type Story would put every other ship move to shame. Also it would be 84 hours long. And screen only on the deck of a powerless ship so audiences really got a feel for what happened. Naturally Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling would star as the star-crossed lovers. And Luke Hemsworth would play Liam Hemsworth.
So I quickly read the article, eager to get to the part where the cruise directors put all the children into a lottery and select which ones would get to fight to the death. But I couldn’t find it anywhere. Which seemed so odd to me. Because as soon as I read that the Carnival Triumph transformed into The Hunger Games, it made complete sense. First of all, the Cruise Directors needed to create some kind of diversion to distract everyone on board from the fact that human waste freely ran down the walls. Second of all, the games would eliminate some of the hungry mouths on board. It seemed like a win-win for everyone — with the obvious exception of the parents who lost their children and the children who lost their lives. But what wonderful memories the rest of the people would have when they disembarked that ship! A real live Hunger Games at sea!
Unfortunately the young women who made this reference apparently didn’t mean that the ship divided into the people with suites and the people without suites, the people with windows and the people without — but rather that they had to wait in line for food.
“Queues for food were chaotic with some people piling their plates high with hamburgers leaving others hungry.”
I hate to get all nitpicky here, but that’s not at all what The Hunger Games was about. Unless I skipped the annual District 12 barbecue chapter where Primrose Everdeen politely lets people cut in front of her in line, only to discover that there’s no hamburgers left when she gets to the front of the line. ONLY VEGGIE BURGERS. And she hates veggie burgers.
So I’m sorry to say that despite my prayers, there’s no comparison between the Carnival Triumph Scandal of 2013 and The Hunger Games. However if you’re a Hollywood producer who’s interested in my screenplay, holler at me.