Gentle readers, I fear that the revered channel TLC has done me a great disservice. Or perhaps I’ve done it to myself through consumption of excessive and disgusting amounts of reality television, but I’m planning on blaming TLC regardless, so get over it. I think I’m developing a tolerance to My Strange Addiction. There, I said it. I’d appreciate your support in this troubling time. The always-disturbing reality show returned to DVRs everywhere last night, and I discovered it now takes a surprising amount to shock me.
First we meet Trina. She likes coffee enemas. Oh did I say liked? I misspoke. She’s addicted, clearly, which means she gives herself up to four a day. In case you’re unfamiliar with the concept of a coffee enema, it’s when you put a little nozzle in your bum-bum and flush your colon out with coffee. You hold it in your butt for fifteen minutes and then make a ‘turbo explosion’ into the toilet, in the tasteful words of Trina’s husband, Mike. Trina started doing it to combat some health issues when she was having problems with her liver and kidneys. At first Mike was really disgusted and upset by Trina’s addiction, but then he tried a coffee enema himself and…also got addicted. Now they fight over who gets to take the first one in the morning. It’s one of the world’s great love stories. Now Trina and Mike rarely leave the house because it would take them too far away from their bum nozzles. It’s healthy though, because neither one of them actually drinks coffee, as it is well known that coffee damages your body. But only when you drink it. These are the medical facts that Mike and Trina introduced me to last night. Neither one of them has any plans to stop butt-chugging lattes, but it’s gonna take more than that to impress this gal. I’ve seen people eat GLASS on this show, okay?
Let’s see if we have better luck with Lisa. She grooms her cat with her own tongue and has become addicted to eating its hair. She says it’s soft and puffy like cotton candy, and she thinks it brings her closer to the cat, although she draws the line at licking her cat’s butt or in between her kitty litter toes. Well naturally, this isn’t Vietnam. There are rules. She’s been doing it for two years (she started after her cat wasn’t grooming herself after a surgery), and she’s only ever told her sister Andromeda, who encourages her to go to the doctor and see if blockage is an issue. Somehow it isn’t yet even though she eats like four hairballs a day, but the woman shows Lisa a picture of the stomach of another person who ingested a lot of hair. And guess what she made in her stomach?? A BEZOAR! Like any Harry Potter reference, this briefly roused me from my stupor. Lisa is potentially making something in her stomach that can defeat every poison and that I previously thought came only from stones in the belly of goats. The things you learn. Lisa also has no plans to stop her addiction, as it’s ‘one of the most fulfilling things’ in her life. Charming.
And now on to Karmello. This one is gross, but I’m so deadened by this show that it barely even blipped on the This Is Unbelievable! register. Karmello is addicted to butt injections. She started out as a size four and now, fifty four butt injections later, she’s a size ten. Not that weird, right? People get plastic surgery all the time, how is this different? Well, she gets her shots on the black market, by meeting a woman in a random hotel room and letting her shoot some substance FROM A NEEDLE FILLED IN A MIXING BOWL into her ass. Sounds totally legit, I know. This extremely reputable woman tells Karmello that she’s injecting ‘liquid silicone’, but as it turns out, she does most of her shopping at the hardware store and she’s been shooting metal lubricant and cement into women’s derrieres all over town! And closing the wounds with super glue! Perfect! Karmello has a friend named Vanity who had the same addiction and almost died from an infection. Vanity would like for Karmello to stop her butt injections. Particularly because she has a son whom she should ideally try to be around for. Karmello really wants thirty-six more shots, though! But the plastic surgeon she goes to for an x-ray and consultation rudely tells her that that might not be the best idea. What a buzzkill. I’m sure I should feel bad for this woman because she’s obviously very sick, but instead I just shook my head, out loud said, “what an idiot”, and deleted the episode.
You guys. I want my empathy back. TLC stole it and I’m worried I might need it.