In a bout of crack journalism, I’ve unearthed the secret Valentine’s Day cards that celebrities use to keep their famous relationships new and crisp — just like their potential divorce papers. My longest committed relationship has been to my Netflix account, and we’re working on our intimacy issues, so I applaud anyone who knows how to hold their relationship together. Especially celebrities, who all tend to beÂ completelyÂ insane.
Good job celebrities for making it work! Also, thanks for sharing your secret love letters with us. They’re so very insightful for us normals.
Emma Stone to Andrew GarfieldAndrew, Youâ€™re the perfect guy. Just absolutely perfect. Youâ€™re witty, smart, sensitive, have an unidentifiable accent, and have six-pack abs that makes a gal just melt like butter on a frying pan. I would even lick butter off of those abs, which is actually gross because butter is pure fat. But, Iâ€™m sure you could make butter even taste good. Letâ€™s get together and reenact any naked scene we had together in Crazy, Stupid Love. Oh wait, that wasn't you? That was Ryan Gosling. In that case, if you ever run into Andrew Garfield can you tell him that we only played lovers ON-SCREEN. Câ€™mon dude, take a hint. Itâ€™s kinda awkward because he clearly doesnâ€™t get the message that we aren't actually together. ; ) Love you, Em PS. You and Ren have made me happier than I ever could imagine. Think you can get the Spidey Suit on loan for Valentineâ€™s night? ( Ai-Wire/WENN.com)
Andrew Garfield to Emma StoneEm, You make my spidey sense tingle. Your love is the radioactive spider that bit me. That kind of bite that has transformed and changed me for the better. Iâ€™m Natasha Bedingfield and youâ€™re my pocket full of sunshine. Youâ€™d be wearing a frock with pockets, thatâ€™s where the sunshine will be. In all seriousness, Em, I love you and love that out of everyone (Ryan Gosling, included) you chose me. Yours forever, Baby Head (Photo: FayesVision/WENN.com)
Miley Cyrus to Liam HemsworthRoses are red and Violents are blue Youâ€™re red hot and I am, too. I only want one thing for Valentineâ€™s day Thatâ€™s for you to be my Christian Grey. PS. Howâ€™s that for the new album? Is it edgy enough? XOXO, Miley Ray Hemsworth (Photo: PCNPhotos.com)
Liam Hemsworth to Miley CyrusLet me tame you, tonight. Rawr. <3 Liam (Photo: Adriana M. Barraza/WENN.com)
David Burtka to Neil Patrick HarrisNeil, I don't know what spell you put on me, but I'm all yours. Sometimes, I wish I could do magic, too. But, the only thing I could probably manage is taping a dove to this love letter, it might die, so I probably won't do it. I love you Neil Patrick Harris and I'll even pretend to like Doogie Howser, MD. (Photo: Brian To/WENN.com)
Neil Patrick Harris to David BurtkaDavid, You're the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever. Well, after me, love. Here's to more years of dirty diapers, laughs, and well, nannies to help us with the dirty diapers. Sincerely, ActuallyNPH (Photo: PCNPhotos.com)
Beyonce Knowles to Jay-ZWords, canâ€™t express how I feel about you, so Iâ€™m going to do it through song. Check out my video for Love on Top because that song is for you. I just want you to know that I've got 99 problems, and a Jay ain't one. But, lip synching, and two back-up singers from the nineties that think we're equal or something. Love, Beyonce (Photo: Adriana M. Barraza/WENN.com)
Jay-Z to Beyonce KnowlesBey-Bey, Baby girl, weâ€™ve been together for so long. I would ride for you, die for you. You gave me one of the most important things in my life, our Road Dog, Blue Ivy. You are what I live for, beautiful. You know me better than anyone, girl. You know that sometimes all I need after a long tour is fleece footsy pajamas, a glass of milk and cookies, and an episode of â€ś Sex and the City.â€ť That Samantha is one crazy bitch. Itâ€™s okay that thatâ€™s the only time we donâ€™t speak, because our love is better than even Carrie and Big. Yours, Sean Carter (Photo: JFXimages/WENN.com)
Justin Bieber to Selena GomezGirl, Iâ€™ve been straight trippinâ€™ with you. I miss you something bad, baby. Baby, ooh I am a real man, now. I got seven chest hairs that I can show you. Iâ€™ll be your silver, gold, and platinum, and I want you to be my ink. Youâ€™re tattooed right on my heart, baby doll. Right next to Jesus. Thatâ€™s how much I care for you, boo. I , even promise Iâ€™ll stop looping Usher while weâ€™re making out on the couch. HMU. Lil Swaggy (Photo: Arnold Wells/WENN.com)
Selena Gomez to Justin BieberDear Justin, Here's your autographed copy of Selena Gomez. Please, go see, Spring Breakers coming out March 22,2013. It's so rewarding for Ms. Gomez to hear from all the fans out there. Sincerely, Selena Gomez's Agent (Photo: Alberto Reyes/WENN.com)