• Wed, Feb 13 2013

I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: Single Celebrities on Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day is a… tricky day. We’ll all agree. If you do have a significant other, you have to deal with over-priced dinners and the sweet but slightly embarrassing experience of receiving flowers at work.

But if you don’t have a special someone, it’s even more awkward. Even if it’s not awkward it’s awkward because you’re so aware of how awkward it’s not, am I right? (I for one deal with my innate loneliness with word play.)

But I still don’t feel sorry for you single celebrities on Valentine’s Day. As much as it sucks for anyone to be single on V-Day, it sucks a lot less for you. Here are a few examples.

Explaining Why You’re Still Single on Valentine’s Day:

Even if you’re not answering the question out loud, you’re answering it in your head. And a non-celebrity (a nolebrity) is single for the boring reasons. Timing, a busy career, not meeting Mr. Right, being at the wrong bar at the wrong time… blah blah blah. It’s pedestrian. There’s no sizzle in it.

But if you’re a celebrity, why aren’t you single is more like it. You’ve done so much living that it’s hard to keep track of when you screwed it all up. You’ve fallen in love with co-stars and traded boyfriends with other celebrities. You’ve made sex tapes and made regrettable tattoo decisions. You’re a wild card!

Moreover, there are magazine covers dedicated to whether you’ll find true love. Whole magazine articles exist about why you are still single! You’re singleness is a front page story. And that’s a lot more fun.

What You Do For Dinner On Valentine’s Day:

A single nolebrity has a couple dinner options on Valentine’s Day. Option 1 on Valentine’s Day (and always) is to order Thai delivery and eat on your couch. I will never disparage this as an option in life on any day. It’s comfortable and can be done in pajamas and really speaks to me on many a night. But on Valentine’s Day, it feels different. It feels a little “not my choice, more like my burden.” So that’s why we have option 2.

Option 2 for a single gal on V-Day is having a “girls night.” These are usually super fun and involve a lot of wine. But it’s also has a bit of a birthday-party-for-the-kid-in-the-Children’s-Hospital feel to it. It’s an event not without hope, per se, but carries a slight undercurrent of sadness.

As a celebrity, you always have an event to go to. I’m not a celebrity, but I know how this works. You have an event every single night. Whether it’s a charity gala, or a movie premiere, or just a night home Instagramming selfies. Because even if you do end up home alone, you get to do it in your home, so it’s an event.

Your home probably has an outdoor kitchen. And food in the fridge. And clean surfaces. You know, the PERKS that come with being a celeb. What I’m saying is loneliness feels like a present when it comes in a nice package.

What You Get In The Mail on Valentine’s Day:

For a nolebrity, that’s an easy answer. Nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary, I should say. Sure, the Anthropologie catalog might happen to show up on that day, but that’s just a coincidence. Don’t you dare try to read into that timing. Anthropologie does not love you back. It doesn’t. Stop it. It doesn’t.

At your age, you can’t even hope for the platonic Valentine’s Day card. You know what I’m talking about. The one that Matthew Sanders put on your desk in 4th Grade that said “Hey Valentine, You Rock!” with a picture of an off-brand super hero punching the air. And you knew you knew you knew that was the most un-romantic option in the whole punch-out sheet and he gave it to you for a reason, but still, it was a Valentine from Matthew Sanders, so it could be worse.

Yeah, those don’t exist anymore.

But as a celebrity, every mail day is a payday. First, I mean that quite literally. You get residual checks all the time and you probably will get one on Valentine’s Day. So that’s great. You are actually getting money on Valentine’s Day.

But aside from that, you probably get something exciting every day. A freebie from a designer, fan mail, some new sheets. (I assume celebrities order new sheets every time theirs get dirty.) You will get a “gift” even if it’s not a gift. And that makes it better for you than for us.

I hope I don’t sound insensitive when I say I assume even the most insurmountable feelings of loneliness must feel better when you’re a celebrity. Because you’re feeling them in really great cashmere. And that counts for a lot.

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