Valentineâ€™s Day is aâ€¦ tricky day. Weâ€™ll all agree. If you do have a significant other, you have to deal with over-priced dinners and the sweet but slightly embarrassing experience of receiving flowers at work.
But if you donâ€™t have a special someone, itâ€™s even more awkward. Even if itâ€™s not awkward itâ€™s awkward because youâ€™re so aware of how awkward itâ€™s not, am I right? (I for one deal with my innate loneliness with word play.)
But I still donâ€™t feel sorry for you single celebrities on Valentineâ€™s Day. As much as it sucks for anyone to be single on V-Day, it sucks a lot less for you. Here are a few examples.
Explaining Why Youâ€™re Still Single on Valentine’s Day:
Even if you’re not answering the question out loud, you’re answering it in your head. And a non-celebrity (a nolebrity) is single for the boring reasons. Timing, a busy career, not meeting Mr. Right, being at the wrong bar at the wrong timeâ€¦ blah blah blah. Itâ€™s pedestrian. Thereâ€™s no sizzle in it.
But if youâ€™re a celebrity, why arenâ€™t you single is more like it. Youâ€™ve done so much living that itâ€™s hard to keep track of when you screwed it all up. Youâ€™ve fallen in love with co-stars and traded boyfriends with other celebrities. Youâ€™ve made sex tapes and made regrettable tattoo decisions. Youâ€™re a wild card!
Moreover, there are magazine covers dedicated to whether youâ€™ll find true love. Whole magazine articles exist about why you are still single! Youâ€™re singleness is a front page story. And thatâ€™s a lot more fun.
What You Do For Dinner On Valentine’s Day:
A single nolebrity has a couple dinner options on Valentineâ€™s Day. Option 1 on Valentineâ€™s Day (and always) is to order Thai delivery and eat on your couch. I will never disparage this as an option in life on any day. Itâ€™s comfortable and can be done in pajamas and really speaks to me on many a night. But on Valentineâ€™s Day, it feels different. It feels a little â€śnot my choice, more like my burden.â€ť So thatâ€™s why we have option 2.
Option 2 for a single gal on V-Day is having a â€śgirls night.â€ť These are usually super fun and involve a lot of wine. But itâ€™s also has a bit of a birthday-party-for-the-kid-in-the-Childrenâ€™s-Hospital feel to it. Itâ€™s an event not without hope, per se, but carries a slight undercurrent of sadness.
As a celebrity, you always have an event to go to. Iâ€™m not a celebrity, but I know how this works. You have an event every single night. Whether itâ€™s a charity gala, or a movie premiere, or just a night home Instagramming selfies. Because even if you do end up home alone, you get to do it in your home, so itâ€™s an event.
Your home probably has an outdoor kitchen. And food in the fridge. And clean surfaces. You know, the PERKS that come with being a celeb. What Iâ€™m saying is loneliness feels like a present when it comes in a nice package.
What You Get In The Mail on Valentine’s Day:
For a nolebrity, thatâ€™s an easy answer. Nothing. Nothing out of the ordinary, I should say. Sure, the Anthropologie catalog might happen to show up on that day, but thatâ€™s just a coincidence. Donâ€™t you dare try to read into that timing. Anthropologie does not love you back. It doesnâ€™t. Stop it. It doesnâ€™t.
At your age, you canâ€™t even hope for the platonic Valentineâ€™s Day card. You know what Iâ€™m talking about. The one that Matthew Sanders put on your desk in 4th Grade that said â€śHey Valentine, You Rock!â€ť with a picture of an off-brand super hero punching the air. And you knew you knew you knew that was the most un-romantic option in the whole punch-out sheet and he gave it to you for a reason, but still, it was a Valentine from Matthew Sanders, so it could be worse.
Yeah, those donâ€™t exist anymore.
But as a celebrity, every mail day is a payday. First, I mean that quite literally. You get residual checks all the time and you probably will get one on Valentineâ€™s Day. So thatâ€™s great. You are actually getting money on Valentineâ€™s Day.
But aside from that, you probably get something exciting every day. A freebie from a designer, fan mail, some new sheets. (I assume celebrities order new sheets every time theirs get dirty.) You will get a â€śgiftâ€ť even if itâ€™s not a gift. And that makes it better for you than for us.
I hope I donâ€™t sound insensitive when I say I assume even the most insurmountable feelings of loneliness must feel better when youâ€™re a celebrity. Because youâ€™re feeling them in really great cashmere. And that counts for a lot.