Jessica Chastain Gives Us Proof That Zero Dark Thirty Really Is A True Story

I see you over there campaigning for an Oscar, Jessica Chastain. The Academy Awards are less than two weeks away, and it’s getting down to that time when you and me and Quvenzhané Wallis are sharpening our elbows to try to take down Jennifer Lawrence for Best Actress. (Granted, I am not currently nominated, but I suspect that that is a mistake that the Academy will likely rectify before February 24th). I’m not mad at you about it, I just want you to know that I can see you over there working on your edging-out game.

But how to accomplish said edging-out? Well in Jessica’s case, she seems to have decided to remind us that she is playing a REAL PERSON. In case you’ve been under a rock for the last twenty-five years, let me remind you that the Academy voters are obsessed with that. They love it when actors and actresses play people actually exist. Just look at Daniel Day-Lewis and Anne Hathaway, the only obvious slam-dunks this year. Daniel will win for playing real-life president Abraham Lincoln, and Anne will with for playing real-life annoying person Anne Hathaway. But Jessica wasn’t playing a real person in Zero Dark Thirty, was she? Isn’t it all shrouded in CIA-secrecy and unrevealed sources? We have no confirmation on anything, but hasn’t it been speculated that Jessica’s character Maya is a compilation of various agents tasked with locating Osama bin Laden?

Yup, that’s all been true. Until now. Jessica went on Katie Couric’s show and shared that as time goes on, she keeps getting cleared to reveal more and more details about which parts of the movie were taken directly from real life and which were more fabricated. She tells Katie that it is based on “a real woman, in the CIA. An actual person.” Agh! Finally! There’s nothing quite as uniquely frustrating as watching an amazing, well-acted movie that’s ‘based on a true story’, running home to Wikipedia, and finding out that they have exactly no information for me because it’s all supremely classified. Jessica also reveals that the woman ‘Maya’ is based on really did write a running tally of the CIA’s days of inaction on the glass wall of her boss’ office. What a bad-ass lady.

All I can say is keep these details coming, Jessica, because the internet has a lot of catching up to do. Do that for me and I’ll put in a good word for you at the Academy. Just as soon as they call me to put my name on the ballot.