It’s hard to believe that we once lived in a world where dignity and decency existed. A world where Kate Middleton could go to the beach without being baby-bumparded by the baby-bumpessed press. A world where we didn’t have to spend our mornings wringing our hands over the horrible tragedy that is a photo of a pregnant woman in a bathing suit. It’s hardest to believe that we lived in that world yesterday morning. Oh sweet Jesus in Heaven! Remember yesterday. It was as innocent and naive as the Kanye sperm and the Kim Kardashian egg in the moments before they touched and made a baby.
But alas, it’s all over now. Kate Middleton’s privacy, the United Kingdom, Matthew Crawley’s time on Downton Abbey, Heinz EZ-Squirt purple ketchup. Everything is all over. All because an Italian tabloid published photos of Kate Middleton wearing a bikini on vacation at the same time she wore a baby bump. It’s tragic. Truly tragic. Mrs-Doubtfire’s-real-identity-getting-revealed-at-Miranda’s-birthday-dinner levels of tragic.
Think of all the children who will now grow up knowing what a pregnant belly looks like. Think of all the royal family members who saw Kate Middelton’s bikini body and felt forced to cross their fingers that her genes are stronger than Prince William’s. Think of that fetus living inside of Kate Middleton who’s fuming inside that womb and whispering softly to its amniotic sac, “I would have done something fun with my hair if I had known these would be my first photos. Or at least I would have pulled out my skinny arm! Damn it to hell, these photos will last forever on the Internet. All I have to say is they better not tag me.”
Ugh, the humanity of this entire unfortunate incident that will forever haunt our collective nightmares!