I need you to come over here and look at something for me. It’s these pictures of Elle Fanning from her Vogue and New York Magazine photo shoots. First of all, they’re beautiful. If any of my comments sound snarky and bitter it’s because I am snarky and bitter and I wish these were photos of me.
But second of all — can we agree that this girl is twenty-six years old and not fourteen? I’ve worked at a restaurant, where we were trained to peg peoples’ ages, and in the right light on a busy night (rhymes!) I’m not positive I would card Elle. She and her eighteen-year old sister Dakota Fanning appear in pictures together all the time, and there is no possible way that Elle is the younger sister. There just isn’t. I won’t accept that as truth.
And thirdly and most importantly, can we prove 100% that Elle isn’t British? WELL CAN WE? Because I’m not convinced. Look at her in these pictures! She’s Twiggy, she’s a pale English rose, she’s the older version of Carey Mulligan. This is not what I looked like as a fourteen year old American girl, I can tell you that. Where are her awkward braces? Where is her stubborn baby weight? Her bad skin, her frizzy hair, her…oh man, I am giving some things away, here about my own teen years, I should probably cool it. But I just want everyone to be on alert. We assume that Elle really was born in Conyers, Georgia in 1998, because that’s what we’ve been told. But what if she was really born in 1985 to a English fairy sprite and the owner of a pub in New Ye Olde Conningtonshire, in Britain? We shouldn’t rule it out.