Well ladies, we’re now days away from Valentine’s Day. The most wonderfully romantic day of the year if you’re the lead actress in a Nicholas Sparks movie. Or the kind of girl who likes dancing in the rain. Girls who genuinely get satisfaction from dancing in the rain l-o-v-e Valentine’s Day. That’s just a fact Jake Gyllenhaal whispered into my ear one night during a dream I had in 2006. Right as I turned to him to ask him if he knew the secret to truly living, laughing and loving all at once, he turned into Lori Beth Denberg, stared at me intently and faded into dust. So commenters if you know the answer to that, please email me immediately. I can’t seem to manage to do all three at once. Like sometimes I’m laughing and loving, and then turning blue in the face because I forget to breathe. #GirlProblems
Anyway, I don’t love Valentine’s Day and I don’t hate. I love/hate it. Anyone who’s ever watched a reality TV marathon knows where I’m coming from on this love/hate thing. I love eating candy for the entire week leading up to the big day, but I hate getting a stomachache on February 15th when I think it’s a good idea to buy all the sale candy at the drug store. No one needs that many heart-shaped things in their body at once. It confuses all the other organs. Your intestines are like “what are you doing down here heart? And other heart? AND HOLY SHIT OTHER HEART? OMG when did we grow so many hearts?”
So in honor of this wonderfully complex day coming up in just a few days, I thought I would share some pop-culturey things in my life that I love/hate as much as Valentine’s Day.
1. Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms
Dance Moms could be my guiltiest pleasure. Even though it’s nowhere near a pleasure. I’m completely unable to figure out why I put myself through it every single week. I hate everyone on the show, especially the psychotic Abby Lee Miller. However I remember watching Dance Moms: Miami last year and thinking about how boring it was without all the drama that Abby Lee Miller brings to a dance rehearsal. And then I was like, “do I like Abby Lee Miller? Am I human? What is wrong with me?”
2. Crushable Commenters
This one’s much easier to understand. I love some of our commenters! They’re smart, they’re funny, they’re gentle when pointing out our stupid typos. But I also hate some of our commenters. The one’s who pop in after they found us on a Google search, damn us to eternal hell fires and then have the audacity to spell everything wrong. Look, I’m not religious. But I’m pretty sure God’s pretty strict about Heaven’s citizens being able to differentiate between your and you’re. I read that on bible.livejournal.gov last year, so you best believe it.
3. Saturday Night Live
This show drives me insane. Why isn’t it funnier? There are so many wonderfully talented people working on it — and yet it rarely manages to make me laugh. There’s like one bright spot in each episode and the rest is meh. Sometimes even worse than meh. I can’t figure out why it’s not better — especially with hilarious women like Kate McKinnon on board now,
Stop going through my memories and knowing what will make me want to click. Seriously, it scares me.
I know hate-watching Girls is not at all original, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t hate myself for watching it every week. But goshdarnit, I like the show. Even though I hate all the characters and I hate Lena Dunham for her inability to recognize her privilege, I like the show. And I like talking about how much I dislike it. Is this Lena Dunham’s black magic at work? I’m not sure, but I can’t quite figure out why I watch it every single week.
6. TV Executives
Why must they give us so many smart and funny shows — and then take them away from us?! 30 Rock, Happy Endings, Don’t Trust the B in Apt. 23. It’s not fair. We can handle smart humor! I promise. Don’t worry about those other people. Just keep putting Wipeout on every summer and they’ll be fine. There are enough fail videos on Youtube to keep them occupied forever. Won’t you think of the smart people for once?
Damn you TLC for continuing to put out the most ridiculous shows that I can’t wait to watch. I don’t want to want to watch a show about women who keep their labias in jars. But I do! STOP MAKING ME FEEL GUILTY ABOUT MY DVR TLC!
We’ve spoken about this before on this very site. They’re horrible human beings who happen to fuel my obsession with celebrities. They must be stopped, but they also must keep taking photos. I don’t know what to do about them, besides tell them to stay further away, maybe? Also no creepy nude shots please.
9. Two-Hour TV Shows
Stop making my favorite shows two-hours long. It seems like a treat, but it’s not. I’m a very busy person and I simply don’t have time for 56 hours of TV every single week. At first I’m always like yes, “it’s extra long this week!” But then I watch it and realize that I’m actually sitting through a feature-length movie. I don’t have time for that. But I also don’t have the strength to not find time for it. It’s the definition of frustrating.