Even with your so-called “jobs” and “relationships” and “keeping up with who’s dumping Taylor Swift“…at least you aren’t appearing on Teen Mom 2. The Teen Mom 2 Mamas are dealing with paternity ponders, Ke$ha concerts vs. jail, and passing the GED. Hopefully your hardest choice of the day is what topping to get on your froyo. And you should be thankful for that. Real talk.
Yah, this season’s Teen Mom 2 has been an especially ridiculous one and man oooh man, am I gonna miss it. If I were still a teenager and my parents had the power to ground me, my punishment would be taking away the privilege of watching Teen Mom 2 every Monday night. It would be a deep burn. One that would prevent me from making that bad choice again or at least allow me the opportunity to be better at getting away with it. But then I’d have to let Mom and Pops know about the educational aspect of Teen Mom 2. Education that Dr. Drew drops on these broads and their
enablers families so hard, during the Finale Special, that you’ll think twice about taking out your IUD. Oh, and they’ll be tears alright. Tears of shame, tears of sadness and tears of absolute truths that are finally recognized. But mostly, they’ll be Jenelle Evans. And do you need a more compelling reason to watch? I didn’t think so.
Ah, Dr. Drew. The man has cornered the market (if there even is one) of combining mass media stardom while also being a legit M.D. He’s always a delight to watch on these Teen Mom 2 Check-Up Reunion shows. He begins with Chelsea Houska, whose hair you can see a mile away at the start of the show. She’s going to HAIR SCHOOL for the love of…is this how these crazy kids are wearing their hair these days? Watching each girl’s recap before they’re brought to shame and tears is bittersweet for me. MY, how much has happened this season and boy, am I gonna really have to find something else to do on Monday evenings. Poor Chelsea, though, for reals. She is the stereotypical poor little rich girl who is forever lusting after her bad boy baby daddy. Chelsea wants Adam Lind, Chelsea’s Dad wants Adam sent to the North Pole and Adam wants Chelsea’s Dad’s money. It’s a vicious love/hate cycle with even an “I dunno, sorta” promise ring thrown in mid-season. Whew. It’s a good thing Chelsea made it through her GED so she can get to stylin’ and get to kickin’ Adam to the…waaaaaaait a minute…Out comes Adam to try and explain himself through all the
editing, rumors, errr misconceptions that have been brought upon him during his appearances on Teen Mom 2. Only, Adam digs himself deeper in Houska anger nation by admitting that he’s a freeloader who accepts charitable donations from the Bank of Houska for his truck, ya’ll. Well, at least he says he’s paying child support along with his truck and four wheeler maintenance costs. The jig is up. Adam is still living in his parents’ house doing whatever it is you do after you spend money on your truck and then get a DUI. The future is left open for ol’ Chels. She’ll probably graduate from beauty school, have her Dad fund her own salon, grow happy with leopard-clad baby Aubree, and find some hot, rich man who can pay for his own toys and love her unconditionally. Then Adam will show up and ruin everything again. Boom. Calling it.
On to Jenelle Evans. Ahhhh, Jenelle. Dr. Drew lets her have it about her idiot Ke$ha concert decision and overall bad life choices. And if you’re not an avid follower of Jenelle’s twitter account (which, you should be), then you probably don’t get the subtle hints and hilarity of her seemingly normal and “doing better” update portrayed on the show. I mean, I’m sure she’s not smoking as much weed or kicking roommates out of their house anymore, but sistah’s gone bat shit crazy on twitter regarding Gary Head and Courtland Rogers and etc etc etc. Gary is mentioned on the show a couple of times…he’s a MARINE. But we know the fateful outcome of that once-happy mention of his name. If you don’t, seriously, check out Jenelle’s twitter page. Anyhoo, Baaaahbraaah comes out on stage to be all Team Evans with Jenelle, even though in every episode ever on Teen Mom 2 she’s ripping Jenelle a well-deserved new one. Theeeeen comes Andrew Lewis. Oh lordy. The proven Daddy of poor Jace. Who is worse…Andrew or Adam? I’ll stop the suspense, it’s Andrew. He comes on stage looking like a cross between a 70′s Jersey wannabe mob character and a redneck. Did anyone tell him he was gonna be on TV? Jenelle makes sure to air out all his dirty laundry on national TV…taking the spotlight off of her craziness for a minute. It’s a little bit of the high pot calling the drunk kettle black. Which makes it so entertaining to watch. I guess it’s like prison hierarchy. There’s always someone who’s done something worse than you, but ya’ll are kinda in the same situation. But with Babs on Jenelle’s side and with all the legality in America of owning Jace, we probably won’t be hearing much more from Andrew – who, by the way, also got arrested for not paying child support. I hope, for Jace’s sake, that Boston Barb is sticking around for the long haul. Good gravy, what a mess. I’m pulling for yah, Jenelle. I hope she can stick with her bipolar meds and find a decent man in North Carolina. Baby steps. Until the next season of Teen Mom 2, I’m just gonna follow the action through twitter.
Next up is Kailyn Lowry. Her season has revolved around her still not being over Jo and all the actions/repercussions that have come with that. Plus, her Mom is way wack. I’ve always liked Kailyn. I think she’s the most responsible of the Moms and has had a lot of non self-inflicted crap to deal with. Kail’s a tough bitch who will tell Jo (and anyone) how it is. Or at least how she thinks it is. Baby Isaac is lucky to have caring parents who are definitely trying to co-parent. But Kailyn needs to chill out a bit with the hypocrisy. She’s recently admitted to being bipolar, which could explain some. But man does she hold a grudge, throw temper tantrums and sorta kinda use Isaac as a leveraging tool, if only temporarily until she realizes everything is being filmed. I know she’s just trying to find someone to love and someone to love her back, but sometimes I feel bad for Jo who’s also trying to get some with his new girlfriend, be friendly with Kail and umm become a rapper(?) Anyway, Dr. Drew cut deep into their cores and decided that they both are holding onto hope that they will end up together, as a family. Duh. Well, Kailyn’s season chapter closes with not much excitement, except that she’s still with her boyfriend Javi Marroquin. Kailyn be forever yelling at Jo, so no worries on the abandonment of future drama.
Finally, Leah Messer. Or is it Leah Calvert? Or Leah Messer-Calvert? I’m confused, whatever. But, I guess, so is the whole six degrees of Leah gang! They’re ALL confused and don’t know what they want. Which I thought was especially weird when Leah and Corey Simms were talking about their unrequited marriage, divorce, possibility of getting back together? And even stranger when Jeremy Calvert, the new fiancee, was on stage and they were still talking about it! Whoa. Leah basically admits and apparently has admitted before that if Corey wanted to work on things for realsies, they would get back together. So long Jeremy. Hello truck and trailer (which was, according to Corey, the reason the divorce happened…WV ya’ll). Ummm ok, got it. Leah is a Mess-er. I do feel bad that she had a miscarriage of the big reveal baby at the end of the season, but seriously, though. REALLY? Even Dr. Drew was all, what the…? But, as all good therapists do, he whittles her down to admitting that she’s not the most responsible decision-maker and that having three kids at 20 years old, no matter how mature you think you are, just ain’t it. It’s called welfare and you don’t wanna be on it. Just ask Nadia Suleman. Dr. Drew keeps emphasizing that she would be “overwhelmed”. I think what he really wants to say is up shit’s creek without a paddle while your husband-to-be is on the road for work most of the time and your ex-husband is 5 miles away. I smell deep-fried trouble. I guess we’ll have to see if Leah and Jeremy and/or Corey’s attempts to reconcile and procreate is filmed for Season 4.
And let’s hope there is a Season 4. The rumors are abound that Jenelle’s twitter and media shenanigans (have I mentioned this enough?) have finally broken the “maybe we’re toeing the line of idolizing these girls instead of trying to teach young girls about safe sex” camel’s back. And if that happens…there will be no words to express the anguish. Luckily, the last thing I’ve heard from Jenelle’s twitter response to the rumors is that they are already filming Season 4, SUCKAS! Whew. That was a close one.