Reporting to you live from Vatican City: If you’re wondering why all your Facebook friends have been announcing their candidacy for Pope today, Pope Benedict XVI announced that he is calling it quits today. Here’s the thing: popes don’t do that. And by “don’t,” I mean one single pope has willingly resigned in the history of the Catholic Church. And that ish is old. Which is why this whole “fatigue” thing seems suspicious. Weren’t all the other popes pretty tired when they were about to die? I don’t think JPII was writing any epistles at the end there – actually he probably was because he was a boss, but that’s besides the point. My instinct and 16 years of Catholic schooling tell me a scandal’s about to break. I went over to Benny’s house earlier today to get the inside scoop, but he was kinda tired, so this is what we have to work with.
After doing the grunt work of scrolling through endless tweets that varied between patently un-funny joke attempts, people complaining about all the pope jokes, an odd abundance of nominations for Nick Saban, and sex spammers adding #pope to pictures of half naked girls, by God I think I’ve got it. Everyone else, you may as well have kept those 160 characters to yourselves, because these are the only gems worth anyone’s .145 seconds.
Luckily, you’ll be able to follow me and my infinite wit on Twitter as I live tweet my conclave stakeout from Rome come March 1 – and the possible massive scandal that’s about to be unearthed at least according to the Dan Brown novel in my head. Until then, enjoy these pearls of humor in the sea of mediocrity that is Twitter.