There’s nothing actually “sweet” about a sweet sixteen party. Well, there’s the celebutante version of sweet, the kind of “sweet” where Aeropostale literally rolls out the pink carpet for Chloe Moretz and her sixteenth birthday because she’s their ambassador. But “sweet” in my case, refers to how many of them you can eat before you realize your skin is about to erupt in socially alienating zits. Honestly, that’s what the sweet sixteen parties I went to were all about. By the sweet sixteen parties I went to, I mean, mine. It was about the one massive zit that honestly kept growing in size, like every millisecond. So much so, I almost felt like telling people at my party that my twin sister died in the womb, and there she was still living on my face. I’d rather be called a freak then have to face up to this thing sprouting on my face. This is what adolescence was about choosing between the lesser of two awkwards.
This is the real sweet sixteen, everyone. It was about the over-poofed hair that only emphasized the miniature Pompeii’s all over my face. It was about being simultaneously embarrassed about my general self, and also embarrassed about my father’s white man dance moves. It was about the terrible food, and the Cha Cha Slide. This is the real thing, you guys. This is like Seal and his facial scarring: I earned my adulthood.
It was events like that that made me who I am today. This is why I part of me is angered when I hear about things like Aeropostale and the Salty Sixteenth Birthday. It’s the same type of rage, I’m assuming, that people had when they found out that Rick Ross was a probation officer. Dude, you totally can’t be against the man, if you are the man.
Chloe Moretz, you’re a lovely, young burgeoning actress. You like, every girl, should feel like the princess on your birthday. But, the fact of the matter is you’re not like every other girl. Aereopostale can’t give you the girlhood you’re missing out on. You’re beautiful, and have a team of dermatologists ready and waiting to vanquish anything that so dare leave nary a mark on your face. You’re an adult trapped in a teenager’s body. While, you’re at it, can you clue in your friend Sarah Hyland and tell her that she’s actually an adult. She’s twenty-two years old and she needs to stop acting the permanent pre-teen. Ugh, Hollywood.
I get it, part of the reason you got a party is because Aeropostale is just trying too damn hard. It wants to remind everyone that is youthful, relevant, and like totally kickin‘. But, honestly the only thing Aeropostale did is reinforce how absurd your life is. Look, part of you has to accept that when you became a successful actress that you had to sacrifice something, and this case it meant the typical,everyday, humiliating things that will make for a great anecdote later in life. Next time, don’t let Aeropostale steal your adolescence, just ask for a ferrari like everyone else and get under-aged black-out drunk, like every other child star before you.
(Photo: PCN.com, C. Smith/WENN.com)