• Fri, Feb 8 2013

The Buckwild Finale Will Teach You Just How Country You Truly Are

Buckwild Cast Episode 11

Last night, Buckwild aired its final episode of season one. Now you have nothing to do on Thursday nights but watch Frenemies, so get ready to bawl your eyes out. But no fretting, because the cast has just all signed on for Season 2. Oh yes. These people are signing on for careers in reality TV. But they can’t end up on The Challenge, so that’s sad.

In our finale, the gang celebrates their last week together before those members of the cast with aspirations and LinkedIn Pages leave for West Virginia University. They go camping, again. They streak, and throw logs at a pile of wood. Someone finally says YOLO. But school learnin’ can’t teach you nothin’ like the country does, and this gang of people is MTV’s only authority on defining the West Virginia kind of country. So let’s tip our bowlers adieu to Buckwild with a rousing game of “You know you’re Country if…”

Buckwild Katie and Tyler

You know you’re country if your boyfriend’s hobbies include “hitting my head with planks of wood.” In this episode, Tyler meets Katie’s mom. Mrs. Katie’s mom makes a dinner of duck and casserole for them, which we can only assume intimidates Tyler tremendously. So he feels the need to explain the giant scab on his forehead—“I was hitting myself with a plank of wood, so…” And the sad thing is, he totally wins the moms over. Because Tyler is like country girl kryptonite. Luckily, his IQ was probably not much higher to begin with. Maybe it even “knocked” some sense into him! Hah, no.

You know you’re Country if you learned to talk pig before pig latin. That’s what Shain teaches us this by speaking to his pig in oinks. But I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know Pig Latin.

Joey and Shae Buckwild

You know you’re country if your boyfriend made your relationship official by allowing you to drive his truck. Or at least that’s the way it is in Sissonville, as we see with Joey and Shae‘s courtship. Because around these parts, boys don’t let girls drive their trucks unless they really love them. These are ancient Appalachian tribal mores. She’s been asking about the status of their union since the time she licked spreadable condiments off his chest, and he’s been an avoidant Neanderthal thus far. But we all know beneath that smooth “Justin Beaver” swag, he’s just a big yolky poached egg. And if he had a girlfriend, he’s never let her go. So, Disney kids, we get a happy ending, and Shae drive Joey’s beat-up car—Joey riding bitch– off into the horizon with clanking cans tied to the bumper.

You know you’re country if you learned to operate heavy machinery before you learned to drive a car. This is according to Joey, whom we get to see in action on a crane in this episode. The gang engages in something called “redneck waterskiing” in which Joey pulls the kids around, from a hope tied to a mini-crane, on a greased up slalom of torn up garbage bag. Safety, brought to you by people who may not survive to pass their genes along to another generation.

You know you’re country if you drink deer chum from a mason jar. There was a celebratory clip show, and Shain does this. Again, ancient Appalachian tribal mores.

Cara and Shain Buckwild

 And finally, you know you’re country if you court a girl by burning things on your lawn. So, I know you’re all dying to find out if Shain wins Cara over. And he does! By burning this “C+S” chicken wire contraption for the whole gang to see. And she’s smitten, and they make out. Not creepy at all. Or kind of alarming.  Or a little klan-ish.

So ends our Buckwild saga, and the sometimes life-threatening antics of our new friends. So let’s raise a can of Keystone to MTV, sip of deer blood and pray for a Jersey Shore/Buckwild cast mash-up show. Because that’s the only thing that will make a second season interesting.

(Photos from MTV.com)

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